Diaries of a Bliss Princess...

Ocean, I hear your siren song...

2011-10-19T00:45:00.000-07:00

Indeed, when I contemplated moving to California, it wasn't for the sea ~ but it is she who clinched the deal. Indeed, we shook hands (wiggled toes, entwined tendrils, plied each others sandy shores with loving hands as sandpipers played at the edge of waves...) a couple weeks ago at a magic beach above Malibu that I'd dreamt of as home some 10 or more years ago...

It is by the seashore that I can't keep from dancing ~ as the ocean creates beauty upon beauty, painted on the sand, sparkling in the foam on the waves... Creating and re-creating beauty, over and over again, an unending masterpiece of life...

Today I danced in her waves, as the whole world became liquid, ever-changing. Mirroring the cosmic sky above, we are dancing, dreaming, dissolving into the wildness of all that is...

Set it Free!

2011-10-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm noticing how sad it is for me when I see other artists “play it safe.” I want to see an artist take risks, mess up even, if they must, in service to fully offering themselves. I want to see a musician at her edge – wild, passionate, rough, untamed and free. And of course, the more we practice and offer ourselves, the more often those risks will yield wildly beautiful and soulful results! It takes courage, but it’s worth every stumble...

On the Wings of an Angel...

2011-03-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

As I drove down the winding road through snow covered Sierra Nevada mountains into California the other night, I remembered how in a recent ceremony I felt the presence of an angel so strong ~ maybe she's been with me all along ~ and I felt her offer to guide me from now on. I said yes, my ego surrendering gratefully...

I remembered this that night, as I drove down the mountain crying rivers of tears, feeling all the pain and sorrow I'm headed into. Not my own, but the suffering of others that I'm headed to be amongst, as I offer my service of song... She came again, filling me, reminding me of how simply I can surrender and let her lead, reminding me why the heck I'm doing this thing! It's not for my benefit, for some glory, that I've come out west. I've come so that my song and love can be a healing. I feel a tremendous relief, welcoming "her" into me - I don't have to "try" anymore, I just have to do what is needed.

Certainly, I know that for my own balance I will still need to tend to many things - I will need to spend time with those I love, to regenerate myself in nature and places that feel like home... But when I am here, out in the wider, crazier world, I have the strength of an angel with me.

Tears of relief continue to pour ~ purifying, purifying, purifying... I just wanted to share this experience, as it feels like a tremendous blessing I've received, this reminder of how easeful it is to be selfless. And I share it in hopes that you too are filled with the strength of angels, and that your tremendous beauty and wisdom gets to pour unhindered into the world.

Intimacy...

2010-08-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

"Warriorship is so tender, without skin, without tissue, naked and raw. It is soft and gentle. You have renounced putting on a new suit of armor." (Trungpa Rinpoche)

It's intimacy I crave - to see the light in your eyes through all the tears you still might cry - to get real - to see and be seen - to stand naked in the wind and rain knowing that the sun is still shining from inside, as this skin, this shell falls away...

I am more when "I" dissolve, letting you into me, letting you see my pain - but even more, letting you see the tremendous JOY shining out from the crack in this ancient veil of hiding.

"There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." ~ Leonard Cohen

intimacy = into.me.see

I love you :-)

Everyday Art!

2010-05-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this piece some time back in response to an article in Elephant Journal about creativity: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/05/cultivating-creative-citizens-through-art)

Thank you for this post. It struck me during Obama's inspired campaign a couple years ago that there was little (if any?) mention of the arts and arts education. Not only does creative thinking help us produce ordinary (and perhaps planet-saving) tasks better, but having an artistic outlet (whether that be gardening, painting, dancing, singing...) fuels us with the inspiration and joy to WANT to do these tasks - for the betterment of the planet and for other beings. Without art, without beauty, life becomes dry and pointless. With art, life takes on a vitality and a sense of meaning.

I suggest that we focus more energy on support for the arts - for our children, for the artists trying to 'make it' in this increasingly mechanized world - but most vitally, art for everyone, every day. There is nothing more precious than community art - growing gardens together, painting a mural, singing together, group dances, music-making, lovemaking, crafting... These are the things that truly weave us together in this web of mother nature's original artistic creation.

Because of course, mother nature is the finest and most original form of art...

...
Here's one of the responses I received:

Thanks for your thoughtful comment Ariana. Your suggestion of 'art for everyone, every day.' rings! It seems that we've become so removed from our own creativity and consider art an amusing extra, rather than an essential component of a rich life well lived.

Fall to Pieces... (touching despair)

2010-04-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

Today in meditation, I unveiled an unexpected emotion. Beyond sorrow or confusion or doubt, there was a deeper feeling of despair. Now I've never been one to despair, or so I thought. I can feel doubt and fear, but despair feels so... ...pitiful. Ahh, but who in truth doesn't feel this sometimes?? I daresay we all do - but we cover it up well with positive thoughts and actions. We convince ourselves that there's really no need to despair, everything's alright.

Well indeed, everything is all right. But so is this despair - whatever it is. When I look at that feeling of despair, what emerges is this sense of helplessness. And as soon as I see that, I get giddy with the okay-ness of being helpless. We all need a little help sometimes! The Beatles said it, "I get by with a little help from my friends...." How many of us can really live this crazy life alone?? A few stoic hermits perhaps... But most of us thrive in community - in reflection, companionship, synergy. We are nourished when we surrender to connection.

I am a strong woman - self determined, all-original, self content. It's easy for me to fall into the delusion that I can do it all my self - make all the money, book my own tour, keep on top of all the nuts and bolts. But it's true that sometimes I have to go a little nuts, let everything fall to pieces... It's from this place of letting go that inspiration - creative juice and love of life - is reborn. Despair leads me to this remembrance of my interconnectedness, my need for tribe, and the okay-ness of feeling helpless sometimes.

On an even deeper, more subtle level, it may be worth remembering also that we're never in control of this thing called life. There's no place of ultimate safety, not within the phenomenological world... Everything is falling to pieces, and being reassembled, in every instant. Ultimately we all dissolve into the boundless ocean... What, then, is left?... Yes, we are helpless should we try to cling to this sense of separate-self, identity, meeeee. Remember, and dive helpless into the ocean of all Life.

The Gift of Freedom…

2009-07-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

You may have experienced, as I have, that sometimes we scare away the very thing we seek – simply by the desperation or clinging in our longing, or perhaps because it's obvious we're only giving in order to receive.

But the greatest gift we can give one another is Freedom. The practice of Anapanasati (mindfulness with breathing, as taught by the Buddha), leads us here, as it culminates in "letting go." As we arrive, finally, in surrender, there arises great joy.

It is immediately apparent how much joy this letting go gives others. When we release our clinging, allowing others and life to be simply as it is, they unfold like a flower blossom – breathing freely in the space we have given them, and joy awakens in them also.

Awakening joy in others through letting them go – what could bring me greater joy?! Once we see the true nature of clinging and release, letting go becomes easy, natural, and liberating to all.

This is where Love lives.

Birthday Resolutions...

2009-07-09T01:11:00.000-07:00

I wrote this list of resolutions in the midst of a meditation on my birthday...

Purify the ego, releasing attachment and aversion - leaving more room for receiving, and for selfless giving ~ a softening of the heart...

Practice ardently, letting go, surrendering to Dharma (rightness, goodness...)

Remember "first things first" - what's really important?! - and weed out the distractions...

Give more, Fearlessly!!

Experience Abundance within, remembering how blessed I am - with humility and gratitude for all those who have given to this abundance ~ my friends and family, clients, this sweet earth...

Honor and tend to my inner innocence when I have trouble believing in all these good things, with trusting. May I treat myself with tenderness, allowing a gentle humbleness to be alright.

Practice opening the shy parts of myself to others!!

May my ego trust in the joy, connection (to others, to Source), inherent goodness, fullness and peace that is the essence of life.

May I live in Love - and when I forget, may that forgetful part of me be flooded with Love!

May my life be a blessing ~ for the Earth, for all beings.

Summer so Full!!...

2009-06-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

Because I'm so busy traveling and performing, I'm not sure how much I'll be writing this summer (though I love to, so we'll just see ;-)

In the meantime, visit my website and catch me out singing...

www.arianasaraha.com

xoxo ~ A

Uncanny Evidence...

2009-05-30T12:22:00.000-07:00

(a testament to the uncanny nature of the I Ching)

So out of the blue last night I was called to do an I Ching reading. I've been using the I Ching for a long time now, with always surprisingly accurate results. I can't honestly say I understand why it is so astoundingly accurate, for just an oracular "game" of coin toss. Of course, I can't say why the universe in general makes so much sense in its seemingly innate and intuitive intelligence... (I didn't say "intelligent design" - I mean really, can I know if there's a designer - no way! - but I can see there is an innate intelligence, or sensibility - so to speak - that keeps everything from falling to pieces...)

Anyways, maybe it's that same "intelligence" that underlies why the heck this silly coin-toss called the I Ching (Chinese "Book of Changes") actually works. Anyway, this wasn't a particularly deep reading, but I found it uncanny anyway...

Just asking for a general reading, I tossed the coins (6 times) and received hexagram 36, "Darkening of the Light." Hmm, I wonder what that could be referring to, I mused. I tossed one more round, inquiring for elaboration. I receive the 1st line of hexagram 63, "After Completion." The line specifically advises to stop pressing forward, and that in this stopping/drawing-back, one "may ... not remain altogether untouched by the disastrous consequences..., but is hit only from behind like a fox that, having crossed the water, at the last minute gets its tail wet."

I had been in the middle of rehearsing/practicing music, when I received this reading. It was Friday night, 11pm, and I could easily have stayed up for an hour or 2 longer, singing, drumming... But instead I stopped, at the suggestion of the I Ching, and asked my body what it felt. Indeed, I was tired! Ready for bed...

At 4 in the morning, I awoke with a distinct flushing going thru my system - a little achey, almost feverish. Wow, the tail of my fox is indeed a touch wet!, I thought. But I was able to sleep it off, whatever was passing thru, and felt mostly better by morning. Had I stayed up late, however, my immune system would have been more compromised, and I might have woke up totally sick today.

Uncanny advice from a strange, ancient and exotic oracle... A fluke? After almost 17 years of working with the I Ching I would have to say this has happened far too often to be considered a "fluke." Indeed, this simple game of tossing coins appears to be tapping into the same innate intelligence that connects the whole universe in this web woven by no hands... ...making all the sense in the world, yet delightfully beyond the reach of my mental explanations...

The Journey Home (through the veils...)

2009-05-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

Today, practicing Anapanasati again, I found myself in the feelings more than ever - generally I move through this part fast because on the surface, my emotions feel rather smooth, peaceful... Today I stopped and saw that on such a subtle level so many feelings are alive in me! So many feelings rooted in the innocent mistaking of the impermanent for the permanent - and the subsequent longing/grasping/attachment/anger/push/pull/raga/dvesha... that follows.

So many subtle feelings, breathing through, letting them soften...

From the emotions I am drawn to skip ahead, past the mind (I spend enough time there usually :-) and onto the 13th and 14th practice, "I observe impermanence in all things," and "I release my desires for these impermanent things." Meditating on impermanence, on how all things are always changing - being born, growing, becoming, decaying, dying... This garden I am just planting will in the fall bloom and die. Friends will pass in and out of my life, eventually passing away entirely. Watching even as my own body would decay and become dust someday...

And in this meditation, as I saw my skin and muscles and bones become earth again, I remembered one of the most powerful visions ever while journeying with the Grandmother medicine - when my body became the earth, and then became the worms crawling through me... And then this same, changing body became birds and rabbits - flying, bounding through. All just passing through, becoming and unbecoming this body of earth that I am.

So today, I let my impermanence meditation become that, feeling my body become birds and animals, becoming the rain and the soil of the garden that is watered by it, the plants growing out of it. My bones, some became dust and dirt, some became food for mountain lions, as I became the lion, and the warm stone it lays upon...

And as I let myself become all these things, letting go, letting go..., I find an emotion arises - sadness. Sadness as I release the separate-self, dissolving and becoming everything.

It is this deep sadness of being-human, of just-passing-through. There must be something more, something more...

There is Love, and this precious sharing of each moment as it passes on by. But still, something more, something that doesn't fade...

So I sit, waiting. Dissolving, unbecoming...

Time doesn't stop, but "I" will, someday. Or will I? Will something remain? A perceiver, a witness? A Love?? Perhaps a Love remains - whole, complete unto itself, living in all things. Yet where will I be?... All things passing, there must be something more!

The Mother ("matre," matter), the body of existence, "she" is used to all this coming and going. All things grow and dissolve and change within "her" body.

And I see and feel her body now - black and still. All "things" are just play of light and shadow upon and within this vast, still blackness. I sit here, now absorbed in this blackness. This is cessation, the 15th breath practice.

There is a sense of density here, of thickness of this black, vast, (infinite?) body. It's not exciting or euphoric. It's still, peaceful, but almost boring. But perfectly fine. It's nice to be home, to rest in the source, seeking nothing. Here in the body of the black mother I see nothing is missing - all things exist here, whole and complete. There is a sense of unchanging. And the play of light and shadow I came from? - beautiful, sweet, but just a play...

Then from this death-black-stillness suddenly I feel/see a lily budding from my heart. I can't help but laugh out loud! The absurd, ecstatic beauty of it.

Oh, let us celebrate, dance together in this absurd garden of fleeting dreams. Laughing, letting go, I am Free.

Flowers bloom in me. From the deathless void, all things come to being...

I am Aware...

2009-05-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

Practicing Anapanasati (mindfulness with breathing) today, I got to the portion about "breathing in, I am aware of my mind..." when it started getting a little sticky (heck, sometimes I don't get nearly that far - yesterday I was fighting off such a crud I didn't get past the body - "breathing in, I feel my whole body, breathing out I calm my whole body. Breathing in, I am aware of the crud in my lungs, breathing out I purify the crud in my lungs...."

But today I made it all the way to the Mind - whoopeee!!...

As I practiced, "breathing in I am aware of my mind... breathing out I make my mind happy... breathing in I concentrate my mind...." It was the concentrate part that caught me - my mind was so bizzy bizzy - endlessly creating, even when I was wishing to calm it for the time being.

Then I became aware of two aspects of the mind - the part that runs on and on, and the intentional mind that I am using in this meditation practice to bring conscious control to how the mind is used. It's this intentional mind that focuses the awareness on the wild mind, that asks it to come home - uniting the two minds as one.

...something so precious in this simple Awareness. So often the thoughts of the wild mind are indeed beautiful, creative, clever and useful. But now I simply wish to bring consciousness - to know when I am thinking these thoughts, and to choose when to think them. So often we swim through life without really knowing what we are doing, feeling, thinking...

But now I choose conscious, ever-present Awareness. It all begins with this simple practice: "breathing in, I am aware that I am breathing in...."

Anapanasati Rocks!!

2009-05-07T12:51:00.001-07:00

I'm not usually one to promote stuff, especially spiritual practices! But this deceptively simple little practice that the Buddha taught is so profound (and even quite fun, for those of us who like to breathe... :-) that I had to pass this recommendation along...

Available at Amazon, yo. (I always like to peruse the list of options and find some small reseller to buy my books from if I use Amazon. Last time I ordered a book, it was from only a state away, and got here in only 2 days. But heck, if you live here in Boulder, may as well just go to the Boulder Bookstore...

Silence falling...

2009-02-20T20:48:00.001-08:00

Snowflakes are falling on my skin

Refreshing and cold

As I draw within

To the center of the fire

The heartbeat in the storm

The new moon draws near

I am still, quiet, and warm.

Dreaming Bear...

2009-02-20T14:57:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year, and even though we've had an unseasonably warm [global warming?] winter, I have still felt the depths of hibernation pulling me deep into myself. I've been dreaming a lot – sometimes every night I have a dream to write down in the morning. Always I sit with them, distilling meaning – or at least feeling – from what visions I’ve been given. I continue hibernating, dreaming...

Still in the depths of this dreaming, I know not what this coming year holds. I wish, as ever, for more music. I also delight in the many friendships I am blessed with, and look forward to cultivating these connections more. And most importantly, wishing to be of service-to, and in integrity-with this precious earth and her many children... But for now, it is still about the dreaming - allowing myself these still moments of rest. Living peacefully in the unknowing - swimming deliciously in the great void of the unknown, the birthplace of all creation...

My friend Shawna shared a similar sentiment in her winter newsletter, and I wish to pass it on...

I still want to rest, hibernate, rejuvenate, take it slow and refill with the sacred energy and light that flows from deep within during these sacred months of winter. I feel grateful for winter as it calls me to a deeper quieter place inside, where I can relax & ground deep inside myself & listen to the inner guidance to begin planting the seeds of what i want to cultivate in the garden of my heart and life in this coming year. In some esoteric spiritual traditions, the time between winter solstice and spring equinox is the time to contemplate the challenges and victories of the previous year and cultivate a new vision, and new intentions for our inner and outer lives for the year ahead, and sow these new seeds born out of the wisdom and clarity of the heart. So I will continue to savor the sacred silence of winter, and head the call to those deeper places of light, and listen and take notes and re-envision. May you have a blessed winter as well, in all the ways you celebrate it and soak it up.

Still making friends with the bear...

(art by Susan Seddon Boulet, all rights reserved)

Bear Dreamer...

2009-02-20T14:05:00.000-08:00

I have often told this story of a dream I had as a small child of 3 or 4...

I am in the kitchen with my mom. We are baking. Suddenly, a big bear comes in and swallows us up!!

I awake, and shaken, tell my mom about this dream. Being a dream analyst herself, she advises me, "go back into the dream - and since we're in the kitchen, perhaps you had some scissors in your hand - so cut our way out..."

Back in the dream, I do as she says, and we come out into the daylight of our kitchen. Then I sew up the wound on the bear and hug it, making friends.

Exposed.

2009-02-04T14:59:00.000-08:00

[Disclaimer 1: because I was raised non-religiously, and have spent my past 20 years on the mystic path, I use the word "God" unabashedly and often – when you see me use this word, you can translate it as "All that Is." It's that simple. Every thing, or thought of a thing, is God – it's not separate from you and me, from the everyday, or from anything. And it's accessible, but it can't really be described.... "All that is." And yes, I know that if you read my words below with this definition, you will uncover paradoxes and inconsistencies in my speech. Alas, to be traveling the road back to God while being ever-consumed in that same God-ness...]

[Disclaimer 2: By "eye-gazing," I don't mean the same thing as "eye-contact" - since reading this note, a few friends have been surprised by the depth of eye contact I share while communicating. "Eye-gazing," however, to me is the communication itself - it's when we sit with together wordlessly for long spans with nothing but the sharing of the eyes...]

...
I have a confession to make. I have a deep fear of eye-gazing. Methinks I harbour a long-seated insecurity somewhere deep inside, and if I hold gaze too long, I find myself terrified of what may be revealed. Perhaps it will reveal my achingly radiant heart, or will unbind my sensual self, or my wildly unbridled joy… Why are these things so terrifying to unleash? I am fearless in surrendering to God – take me as I am, every drop of ecstatic beauty and tear-filled pain returns to your waiting arms and I am healed, I am whole. But to surrender to another human??! This is what terrifies me. To be seen, naked, unveiled. No, let me hide away in my fortress of pride and nobility. I mustn't let you see the soft, tender cave of my vulnerable human-being. God is forgiving, gracious – but you, you might judge me, turn away or denigrate this preciousness inside me. So I hide away, because this is what happened before, and why I shut my eyes before I go too deep… For I have learned not to trust human beings.

When I was a child, I used to gaze relentlessly – so much so that the other kids would tease me by saying, "stop staring!" I learned to hide away. Haha, I used to be so unashamed that I'd wear no underwear under my skirt – until I also got teased for that when they noticed on the swingset… Sigh, kids can be brutal. And I learned to hide in shame – "something must be wrong with me," I thought, "I should fix it."

And so for years I tried to live from the outside-in, rather than from the inside-out. Instead of living from my creative lifeforce, I put on layers upon layers of acculturation. I never quite made it though, never quite figured it out. It got harder and harder as the teasing never stopped – always something to pick on, and usually it was my emotionality, my depth of feeling - my inner life - that was maligned. I got crustier and crustier as the years wore on, my shell thicker and my trust thinner.

Even when I "woke up" in later life, still the seed of this mistrust remained. The glory of God-light hid it for a time, as I reveled in the Grace of divine beauty pouring into and out of me. But in the dark shadows still lurked this demon…

So now, with awareness, I must forge a new path into the awakening heart. I know it not really matters if I trust humans or not, but if I really trust God. Because it is God-within that I have learned to hide, that I was taught was shameful and too bright, too emotional, too messy – yet it is all the abundant joy of the universe, it is the deepest well of truth, it is primal passion and the clearest vision. And now I wish to crack open this shell and let the light of the divine shine forth. And it's the gloriously dark, hidden, "shameful" places which are the richest treasure troves of this light.

So I am diving into the darkness of my soul, in this time of winter's cave, to recover the lost bits I don't even yet remember...

25 random things about meeeee...

2009-02-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

(This is a trend going around Facebook, and it was so fun, I thought would be worth publishing my words here...)

...

Not sure I followed the "rules" exactly - "random" things don't usually occur in chronologic and thematic arrangement. Always the rebel, heh heh ;-)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(( 1 )) I was born at home in Berkeley, California. The midwife was there all night long. The doctor was late, and forgot the silver nitrate - but he remembered the hashish... (not for me, for my parents!!)

(( 2 )) At about 6 months, we moved to a rustic cabin up in Oregon, and because of the woodstove that heated it (and that I was always warned about), my first word was hot, which I pronounced "hotta" - which is similar to the correct pronunciation of "Hatha" (as in hatha yoga)

(( 3 )) I moved to Boulder when I was 7, with my dad and godfather. After sleeping in the van for the first week - in the April snows - we rented an epic mansion outside of Gold Hill with the money they earned on a pot-deal.

(( 4 )) From the time I started preschool in Oregon, and all the way thru junior high, I was teased, picked-on, and basically "the outcast." My nickname for several years was "Airhead."

(( 5 )) In about 9th grade was the first time I realized maybe since I didn't "fit in," it would be okay to be different. So I started hanging out with the stoners & goths, dancing at afterhours clubs, and reading spiritual books.

(( 6 )) From aged 14-20 sum'tin, my greatest medicine was dance. At night, on the dancefloor, was the only time I felt beautiful and at home. Otherwise, I always felt awkward and out-of-place in this world.

(( 7 )) In the mid 90's, after many years of dance medicine - including clubs, raves, trance-dances, and healing forms such as Authentic Movement, I was certain I was going to be a dancer. Through following the Spirit of Dance, I found the source of "being-moved" from within - and all my awkwardness dissolved in the riverflow of God-light dancing from within me. I was certain my path in life was to be a dancer!

(( 8 )) In 1996, unannounced, a song suddenly flew from my lips - and in that very moment, I knew I was also to be a singer.

(( 9 )) Although I knew my voice and the dance were a gift from the divine, my ego latched onto the idea of being a "star" - and for many years, as I studied, wrote songs, and developed myself as a singer, a battle raged between my ego-desires and the deeper fact that music is my healing medicine.

(( 10 )) The first song I taught myself to play on the guitar was "Shiva Shambho" - and that was loooonnnngg before I ever went to a kirtan!

(( 11 )) In the late 90's, I got invited to sing with the stellar middle-eastern band, Sherefe. It was this music - Arabic, Turkish, Balkan, Greek... - that felt most like home for me. My gypsy-spirit was soothed... ...and my musicianship [thankfully!] was irrevocably elevated and inspired!

(( 12 )) I've done things so "out-there" that many of my friends don't even know about (and no, I won't post them here :-) I'm not ashamed of any of it, but until maybe I'm 50, they won't be made public knowledge :-)

(( 13 )) I've been to a whole heckofalot of Rainbow Gatherings (including when I was a kid, and my parents used to bring me - until I wanted to be more "normal" and asked to stop going - I started going again when I was 18).

(( 14 )) From about age 14 on, I began searching for the "meaning of life." At age 19 I started seeking in deep earnest. My first mystical experiences happened when I was 21. The first one happened at a rave - when my 'boyfriend' asked me to get down from the podium I was dancing on I got so enraged that it triggered a kundalini-awakening. Mystic grace and healing moved through me - I cried, danced ecstatically, and shed years of inhibitions. (And I was sober, by the way!!).

(( 15 )) Later that week, after coming back down to the grey mundanity of life, I was blessed with the 2nd opening - this time, while laying down in the dark to sleep, I tingling started in my heart, which suddenly burst into the radiance of a golden white star that flooded all the darkness of the room (and my life). I felt all the Love and completion I could imagine, and I sent all this Love to my friends and family. That winter I hand-drew some 100 "happy Solstice" cards with the same sunshine symbol that now is tattooed on my left arm...

(( 16 )) Some years later, I got the internal guidance that I should chant the Gayatri Mantra every day. I still do, and still evoke that same heartlight radiance that I experienced that one night...

(( 17 )) My second set of mystical experiences were much "darker," though no less joyful. Ever since I was a kid, I would have these terrifying experiences wherein I felt heavier than a shipfull of lead, yet paradoxically as empty as a balloon that could pop and disappear into the infinite in an instant. That's the closest I could come to describe it, except maybe to say it felt like death, or dying. Well, sometime in my adulthood I got a deep fever, and these deathly feelings started arising in my body again. After days of resisting them (trying to embrace them, but it was too terrifying!!!), I finally gave in and let it consume me - at which point I fell over to the other side and into ecstatic bliss...

(( 18 )) After surrendering to terror/ecstacy, I had a weeklong series of mystic experiences. Two of my favorites: First, a dream, in which I am in a black box of a room with no door. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere in a long dark cloak and shows me that one of the walls has an opening that was simply disguised by the darkness. We step out, and into the infinite void - terrifying and empty, yet full of everything - the birthplace of all creation. In the second vision, I awake with my hands dancing in dna-spiral mudras above my head - and then I see/feel the entire ocean of the night sky wash through me - black, sparkling, pulsating... To this day I still love the darkness as much as the light.

(( 19 )) Not very many years ago, I left a lucrative profession that didn't serve my heart. Rather than jumping into another job I didn't like, I became a "gypsy" for a year and a half - jumping from one housesitting to couch-surfing to camping gig after another. I lived in Boulder this whole time, and though it eventually wore me down quite a bit (and brought on my first wrinkles!!), it also gave me the creative time and space to develop my teaching skills and web design arts that I still subsist on to this day.

(( 20 )) I like singing more than sex. (!! that doesn't mean i don't like sex also, but if i had to choose...)

(( 21 )) I study Classical Indian music, which I adore. I've written a hip-hop piece with raga interlude... I'd like to study Indian rhythms too, but don't ever expect me to pick up tabla...

(( 22 )) My favorite instruments are tanpura, cello, drum kit, baglama saz, oud, sitar, tabla, cajon, etc etc... Perhaps in that order, perhaps not...

(( 23 )) I'd like to tour the world performing live music.

(( 24 )) I loooooooove gardening - I'm absolutely devoted to the Earth Mother.

(( 25 )) I'd like to live on a sustainable arts & healing retreat center founded with my favorite friends :-)

(( rulebreaker, #26 )) I like to write (a lot!!), can you tell? :-)

Sharing...

2009-01-30T01:57:00.000-08:00

Just tonight I have found peace with this time of introspection, and this long sabbatical from performing - what a Sweet Blessing, actually, to have this down-time...

I've spent so much of my life thinking about what I "should" be doing, how to be more successful... but right now am settling into Contentment with the truth that it feels very NOURISHING to take time for inner-enrichment.

Wow, CONTENTMENT! What a merciful and Noble sentiment!! May we all find contentment - Santosha - within our lives: knowing that who and what we are is Enough, that each moment is Perfect and full.

In this "down time," I've been deeply studying the voice - delving into the roots of its power and beauty, from both soulful and technical standpoints... I'm falling in love again and again with the ocean of Raga music... And a few incredible new compositions have come through me... But most of all, I'm confronted day-in and day-out with mySELF - that sometimes-shaky, yet thru-it-all-STEADFAST self that I walk as in this life. I've been getting to see my most delicate fears, my tenderest soft-spots, my Visions of Beauty...

And I embrace it all! I am THANKFUL for it all - this human experience is such a precious gift - the passion and the pain, the peaceful moments and the deep wounds, the friends and the enemies.

Most precious, I believe, is that we SHARE it all. In this inward time, it has been the love of friends - sometimes here, sometimes far - that has sparked remembrance in my heart.

And when I arrive at this place of peace, the first thing I think of is those I love - for this Love is for sharing...

In Gratitude...

Dancing Within...

2009-01-30T01:21:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, in another deep-winter, I had a bout of mystical experiences. Once I awoke in the middle of the night to witness myself already dancing - my arms carving patterns in the sky above me...

Years later, in India I awoke with my hands dancing similarly above me, forming mudras I didn't know I knew... A voice inside said, "all the ragas are already alive inside of you." A whole ocean of ragas, alive in me?? Thousands of mystical musical worlds? Yes - for we are the ocean we are swimming in...

"All know that the drop merges into the ocean, few know that the ocean merges into the drop!" ~ Kabir.

"Waste Not, Want Not"

2009-01-19T16:25:00.000-08:00

My mama always said that, "waste not, want not." Anytime I wanted to throw something away, or not finish my supper, "waste not, want not." I always knew what it meant, instinctively, but it wasn't until I grew up that I thought to contemplate the breakdown of the wording. I understand it now as such: if you don't live wastefully, you won't fall upon times of want.

In this day and age, we waste waste waste every day. Food comes in packaging. [Plastic] toys that kids grow tired of in 2 weeks come in packaging. Clothes come in packaging, with tags, and then in bags. We come home and throw it away. In the immortal words of Julia Butterfly Hill, "we say we are 'going to throw something away.' Where is 'away?' There is no such thing."

I spent the afternoon of today's first "National Day of Service" walking up my neighborhood alleyways and waterways clearing up trash and recycling that had somehow found a wayward home in the nooks of trees and bushes. Most of it was fairly innocuous, and I sang as I picked up windblown bits of newspaper and other randomness. But now and again, something would really grab me - like the unbundled stacks of extra trash next to the bins that will be sure to fly away in tonight's winds... Or the dozens of bottlecaps and cigarette butts behind one particular cottage... And then there was the creek. Down by 9th Street, here in Boulder, there's an irrigation fork of the creek that parallels the street. And it's just plum full of junk. I entered it unsure how I would even begin to fit everything in my little plastic bag (I started with two, but one got ripped on a bush, so now I would be hand-sorting the trash from the recycling...). I crammed the little bag as full as can be until I came to the end, where a grate was not doing such a good job of keeping trash from continuing through it... I couldn't get thru the grate to pick up the piles of trash beyond, but I could use the big box that had gotten trapped on this side to put all the extra junk into!

So here I was, now strolling along lugging a huge, half-broken box of junk... Fortunately nearby I see some dumpsters. I load all the goods into one of them and ...sigh... note the piles of unbound recycling piled next to the bins. Is this apartment living?? Is it that living in an "apartment" keeps us apart from each other and the natural world so well that we forget our basic respect for the space beyond our little walls, for the neighbors whose yards will receive our windblown trash, and for the waterways and places of beauty that will be defiled by our lazy neglect? Sigh.

I continue on my way, back into the alleyways and towards the more single-family residential areas. The onslaught of trash lessens as I near home, and ironically I find one of my own ribbons (a silver one that had been hanging on the grapevines as birdproofing) a few houses downwind from mine. Indeed, none of us, perhaps, are immune to some bit of negligence...

Still, I am left remembering that we don't all live with the motto "waste not, want not." So many of us have more than enough - perhaps even taking it for granted - that we can afford to unthinkingly let it go to waste. Or can we? Are we possibly in desperate environmental straits? Is it now or never? Whether or no this is the case (likely it is!), I do often pray that we humans take more time to slow down and honor our connection with the cycles and the abundance of the earth. For if we hope to be sustained here on her sacred ground, we must do our part to return the favor.

To this end, I dearly hope that we take this idea of a "Day of Service" into our everyday lives - finding ways to better our communities and families every day - and finding a regular rhythm of service that we can offer to each other and the Earth.

Hi-larious quote...

2009-01-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

The pickle that we're in, in samsara, is...

...if it weren't so sad, it would be funny!

hee hee hee ;-)

(courtesy of Richard Freeman)

Shine your Darkness...

2009-01-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

I know many of us are familiar with the Marianne Williamson quote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..." The theme of which being that as we shine our lights, we inspire others to do the same. However (and this is a follow-up to the two previous posts), I've experienced that being a beacon of light sometimes draws it's opposite - the dark is drawn to the light, seemingly to try to tear it down, but ultimately perhaps in order to destroy itself.

So I propose another theory/addendum: not only is it valuable to shine our lights and inspire others, but it's crucial to also be transparent and honest about our darkness, our shortcomings.

I've witnessed over and over again afraid we are of our shadows - afraid our negative thoughts might be "crazy," afraid our creative explorations might be "ugly," afraid afraid afraid!! And so often I have seen that shame dissipate simply by saying, "oh yeah, I have that fear sometimes too." Or, "I hear you, I never know if my offering will be appreciated either - it's always scary to put a piece of art out, but I do it because I have no choice - it comes from my heart." Or, "I've made that mistake too, maybe we can help each other with it!"

We've become afraid of being vulnerable with each other, of revealing that we haven't got it all "figured out" yet - as if we should have some magic formula that was born in the bubble of our own minds at the time of birth...

It may not be our "deepest fear" that we are inadequate, but it is one that we hide too well - tucked away into our shadow pockets of shame, all the while subconsciously wondering if we're "crazy," "depressed," or if something's just "wrong" with me??

I feel lucky - I was raised to see the 'normal' world as crazy - and encouraged to explore new options. Because of this, I have fearlessly journeyed deep into the underworlds of the mind. In my dreams I've walked through bloody, charred battlefields - knowing that these devastating scenes are the wounded parts of my own psyche. In life, I've wailed for hours alone in my room, sobbing and singing like a madwoman - knowing full well that this is healthy. I've felt the fires of jealousy, rage, and sorrow burn deep through my soul. I've spent days, weeks, years on end tied up in fear - what if I don't succeed, what if I'm not good enough, what if I can't pay the next month's rent...?? I've sat with all these fears and confusions - and sometimes they still arise - but life has always gone on. Unexpected miracles come when I most need them, times of 'want' fill me with spiritual riches, a friend or teacher comes when I am most alone...

And through it all, a new, truer voice has emerged, remembering that I am an innocent child of God. I don't need to have it all figured out - so long as my heart strives to love, and to share from a place of authenticity, that is enough.

So I propose: let us show our insecurities, share our fears, unveil our wounds. We will likely find that we offer one another relief as we allow each other the space to be human!

And yes, let us remember to shine also - to keep sharing our gifts, perhaps more fearlessly as we remember that they don't have to be "perfect" - authentic and from the heart is enough.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)

My life as a Projector Screen?

2009-01-11T15:57:00.000-08:00

It might be noted that this is an ongoing pattern in my life: since I was a child, I've been the recipient of ongoing projections and insults. Though I had a "healthy" home-life (if you consider communal households where nudity and honesty and acid-taking were the healthy norm), school was hell for me. Not only was I tormented continuously from preschool till junior high and beyond, but I was often "the" outcast in any given school. I suppose that's a sort of rockstar status, hahaha. But really... - though I was teased for my funny-looks, my supposed stupidness, my "airhead"-ness (that monicker stuck for some years) - what I was really teased for was my emotional vulnerability. I finally realized that the teasing continued because they could always get a reaction.

Hmm, if I stop reacting, there won't be anything more to tease about! I figured it out, but in the process, started suppressing my own emotions, stuffing them inside my own shadow-pocket, pretending everything was "okay."

Many years later, after much much intensive healing, I figured out that I had been a projector-screen for the emotions that the other kids had long suppressed - had long-ago been trained weren't acceptable. Since I was raised by such openhearted hippies, it took me longer to "learn" to suppress my emotions. But fortunately I was able to unlearn also, and in the process of unlocking my shadow-pocket, discovered the deepest well of creative juice I'd ever imagined!

So here now, many years later as I still sometimes receive the projections of others, I'm able to recognize that it's not about me. But I can be a projector screen for others' suppressed stories. So here's the invitation: anytime you find yourself thinking negative thoughts about anyone besides yourself, take a moment and ask inside, "what am I seeing in them that I don't want to see in myself? What traits of theirs have I blown out of proportion so that I may see them in myself more clearly?" Not only is this an amazing tool to learn about ourselves, but it also helps us become more understanding and loving towards others. "Oh, I hate that in her so much because I haven't accepted it in myself. Ahh, now I can soften and accept it in both of us - we're both human." Compassion is born in the hot-box of reclaiming our own projections.

Hate Mail

2009-01-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Being such a public figure, I occasionally receive bonafide hate-mail. Ironically, it has always been from someone I know and respect - so I don't just blow it off as a fluke.

The first time it happened I was amazed and confused. A longtime acquaintance responded to one of my mass emails telling me he thought my positivity was a sham, that I must be off in la-la land... I think he was as shocked and amazed when I wrote back, actually initiating a dialogue. After my response, he acknowledged that he was actually jealous that I'm finding success as an artist (hahaha, that remains to be seen). I loved that he was able to admit his projection, and we ended up spending the day emailing, updating each other on our lives at the time. He had been stuck in a corporate job and neglecting his art - and through our dialogue he turned his initial anger and jealousy into inspiration. I have one of his art pieces in my home, which I love dearly, and every time I see it I hope that he is still feeling inspired by that interaction to continue his beautiful art.

Only recently, I received my second full-blown piece of hate-mail. Another acquaintance wrote, telling me my sense of humor was pretentious, and my recordings all amateur "pieces of shit." I had heard, through the loop, that he was going through hard times (especially financially), so I responded to his message. It told him it hurt to receive his non-constructive criticism, and that even if the recordings weren't 'professionally' done, they were an offering from my heart. I also shared that like him, I have often been set on hard financial times (part of why I don't have a 'pro' recording yet - hahaha). I wrote...

"As for humor - I live a pretty challenged life, continually living on the edge. I come from poverty (both parents still live far below the poverty line, which means I have no "safety net"). Was even homeless once (spanning the cold of two winters) for 1.5 years. I know suffering, and sometimes I do choose to enjoy a sense of sick humor about it. Helps me remember it's always changing, and I'm just growing crusty and gonna die eventually, so may as well try to enjoy this moment - even as I'm suffering thru it. "

And I blessed him: "I wish you a sweet gentle heart of acceptance, and perhaps inspiration or creativity, within your situation - and I'm happy to be here if you need to share."

Once again, this initiated an email dialogue where he opened up and shared more of the difficulty he's going through - grateful for my listening ear which was ironically pried open by his initial insult.

Sigh, it's not easy being a human projector screen. I recognize that there's a beauty in being able to meet my public figure-hood with this sort of down-to-earth humanness. I don't have a team who reads and filters my hate-mail before it gets to me. I am accessible, if tenderly, vulnerably so. And it is challenging and painful at times to hold this role. Part of why I write in this journal is to reveal a bit of my humanness, my inner workings. I'm not all glam and success, but rather, my art is fueled by a passion for healing and awakening consciousness. To this end, I will still read all my mail, and always respond to the depth I can at any given time.

Theme?

2009-01-08T21:11:00.001-08:00

A friend, when she saw I was planning to publish, asked if I might find a theme to tie the various entries together...

I answered, haphazardly perhaps, and a bit fast - but then again, 'first thought, best thought.'

"I would say it's about renunciation and death... - hahahahaha"

"...and also, I suppose, about celebration and life."

This is not a poem.

2009-01-08T16:05:00.000-08:00

(though it may look like one :-)

Life! Enjoy it while you can
So fleeing and precious...

All this trying to "figure it out",
      when it's right here for the asking
But only for this moment!

How to Embrace Life
      without grasping at it?
Allowing every bit of it as it passes thru,
      dissolving into Death, as it will...

Joyfully, a Celebration
      of this Now!

Going to Print...

2009-01-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a small child, and I had my first journal (with a little lock, and the word "Diary" embossed on the front), I've written with an awareness that someday my words would be read. Perhaps like Anne Frank (only without as much suffering) or Anais Nin (only without so much sex!)... All the while this created an interesting paradox in my mind - a diary is a place to fully disclose our innermost workings, a place usually reserved for oneself alone. Yet here I was, writing in my little teenage journal about my first sex experiences, wondering how to write truthfully without coming across as gruesome or banal(?)! My first lesson in shameless, yet tasteful, honesty?... Paradox indeed!!

So here I am, many years later... I didn't know why I began this blog at first. A friend had one, and I thought it was pretty, and cool. So I made one, just for fun. With that clean slate to begin, I wrote my first "real" post only two days after setting it up! What I began to notice, as over and over again I became inspired to write - was that I wrote when I felt I had something to share. I still keep a longhand journal for when I need to write solely for myself, but to post all that here would feel like blabbering - and my words to you, instead, I hope will be of service.

So sorry to say, you won't get to read about my every sexual experience, or my every petty annoyance I download to my journal - but hopefully this diary serves another purpose - perhaps to understand me a little better, but more importantly, to understand the human condition all the more.

And yes, this is the official announcement that the "Diaries of a Bliss Princess" are going to print - as a glossy, decorated, coffee-table book for your everyday enjoyment. Look for it over the next couple years...

Compassion and Suffering...

2008-11-17T09:09:00.000-08:00

I had a sad little lesson in the tenderness of life the other day, involving a very small adorable animal.

You see, a couple of my houseplants had been dug-thru recently – uprooting my baby basil and goji berry plants I was overwintering inside. Nibbled 'em right up, digging up their roots even!

Having seen a friend deal with mice before, I knew they can be trouble – and immensely hard to eradicate if you've got a family of 'em… So I went right out and bought some traps and peanut butter. Yup, the death kind. Snap.

Only thing, , I didn't actually hear it when it went off at 5 in the morning – not until there was a strange scratching sound on the wall only a foot away from my bed, that is. Puzzled, I listened, and then bolted up to turn on the light. And yes, right behind one of my bedside books is a frazzled little mouse dragging a trap along…!!

Oh dear, not dead?! This presents a whole new spin – now what?! So I quickly catch him up in a large tupperware and proceed to look at the poor little thing. Whatever should I do?! He'll probably die soon, but can I know that? Should I…? I can't imagine drowning him, or otherwise doing the deed…

I finally decide to simply throw him in the trash in the alleyway outside – it's freezing out, and I'm sure he'll pass quickly. I hope.

All this time, one of my songs, "Kali's Army," is running through my head. Kali, of course, being the liberator – often tied to death. But usually when we pray to her, we think of death metaphorically – death of the ego liberating us from our suffering…

Kali, bless her heart, probably would have bludgeoned the little beast – liberating him quickly so he could be at peace.

I fall asleep, restlessly, and awake to check on 'im – yup, he's passed – thank f*c%in God! And my little home is safe from pests, for now…

Later that night, I'm at a friend's concert. He chants to Tara, goddess of Compassion. My heart fills with the thought of the little mouse, saddened at his untimely end. But it is this sadness, this filling my heart with his being, and accepting the depth of my deed, that allows me to release it. In loving, comes freedom…

Beginning the day with Kali, the liberator, ending with Tara, a heart full of compassion…

Equanimity.

2008-11-05T20:00:00.000-08:00

I had a dream some months back that McCain won the election. As a longtime democrat/green, of course this raised my eyebrows. At that point, I had not been following the race too closely...

As the months passed, I began watching more closely, following the speeches, the polls, just listening... I grew appreciative of the candidates, and especially the Democratic platform. I even found an appreciation in my heart for the man McCain - though I didn't necessarily jibe with his agenda. In all this time, it has been clear to me how I would vote - for a peaceful planet, for a sustainable land. But this whole time I was surprised not to get swept away on that wave of "hope," and "change" that inspired so many. Though both are beautiful sentiments, the dream set in me a practice of equanimity.

You see, that dream asked me, "what if this happened, instead of what you might hope?" After that dream I had to ask myself many times, "how would I respond if McCain were elected?" And the answer has always been, "with the same love, hopefulness, dedication and gratitude as always." In no way would it deter my sense of devotion to the betterment of the planet. It has been, and perhaps will continue to be, a hard road for humankind – finding our harmonious place on this earth and with each other.

I am, verily it must be said, deeply moved by the outcome. I almost did not expect it. I believe it reflects greatly on the psyche of the American people - perhaps we really are evolving! I am overjoyed to see the joy of the people so embodied in this election. It is moving to see the vibrant and creative energy of people who care so much manifested in the election of this great man. I do feel he is a steady beacon of truth, integrity, and dare I say, "hopefulness" for humankind.

And still – I see even him approach this office with a sense of steadiness that remembers the solemn state of world affairs with equanimity and dignity. It is from this place of reverence – mingled with the joy of this hopeful change – that we may set about restoring beauty and balance to our world.

I am grateful the people have spoken so strongly – of our love for this planet, for peace, for each other. And I am grateful we have a great man at the helm – may we help uplift his vision every day, in our very lives.

As a special gift, here is a song I wrote the other night, in its raw and humble form...

:: ::

(If you visit my website, you'll notice that I've added a streaming audio player - now you can listen to my music offerings anytime you're online!)

Yoga in the Harvest Season...

2008-10-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Yoga in the harvest season involves a lot of forward-bends, crouching poses, climbing-tree poses... Sun salutation? Earth salutation! I wake and hit the ground running...

...er, but not running - plodding. Today I began with kneading bread from the sourdough started last night. Then into the garden it is - digging the pitchfork deep to uproot the parsnips, which finally got enough frost (ie, the ground froze for a few days!) to sweeten... Clip the tops off and offer them back to the garden bed as mulch, compost... Parsnips rinsed, I set to harvesting culinary sage - perhaps a little late, but it's still strong and healthy, and a bit of sage tea thru the winter?...yum! Sprigs of sage now rest on my bedroom windowsills - the warmest spot in the house, during the day - I look forward to waking up to sage-fragranced sundrenched air...

This blog post was inspired when I didn't do yoga this morning, but opted instead to commune with the earth - to do the tasks that anyone who wanted to survive merely 100 winters ago would have needed to complete in this time.

It's time to harvest the last of this summer's kale plants also - they won't grow any more with the lack of light over the garden bed. Washing off the frost-hardy aphids, I then blanch the leaves briefly and into the freezer bags they go. There are a few young kale plants left in the bed, but they should be transplanted to a sunnier spot if I wish for a winter crop...

Yesterday I picked up a large quantity of vegetables from my "keeper share" at Abbondanza - the farm I frequent (and lately have begun to volunteer at). Many of the veggies are "keepers" - meant for storing and using thru the winter (potatoes, winter squash, dried beans...). Others are simply hardy enough to still be growing at this point (kale, celery, beets, carrots...). I like to think: if I wasn't getting food shipped to me from California and New Zealand and Mexico thru the winter, what would I eat?! With no disrespect to those locales, it doesn't feel sustainable to waste fossil fuels shipping water-heavy food in refrigerated trucks and airplanes... ...all so I can eat strawberries and broccoli out of season!

Will there come a time - and will it be soon? - when this kind of thinking will be the only choice? If/when the industrial agriculture falls, will it be because of financial instability, or lack of resources, or choice?... I am choosing in my life to disentangle myself as much as I can in any given day/month/year from the imported food culture. If I really choose to live the life of a high mountain desert dweller, what does that mean? What grows here, now?

So for this last month or two, much of my "yoga" practice - the practice of uniting spirit and body, self and God, inner and outer - has been about living in the present moment of the season of this earth. As I worked in the garden today, I expressed my gratitude to the soil for nurturing these little parsnip bodies, to the sunlight for awakening and drenching all growing things in its glory, for this little home and its little plot of land, for my mother's sourdough starter (and for her relentless counsel on the phone!). Nothing more than simple presence - with the earth, with the day, with the season, with my friends. Patient and persistent and content, I live this little earthly life. I did sit to meditate for awhile, as the sun was setting and my body could rest into the fullness it had lived today. I know there will be fallow winter months for long sessions of asana (yoga postures) and meditation. But today I live the yoga of the earth.

Definition of G-O-D, no.2

2008-10-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Byron Katie defines God as "Reality." "Reality Rules," she says. All of our suffering comes from arguing with Reality...

Definition of G-O-D

2008-10-22T22:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, I didn't mean to get into this definition thing when I wrote that piece called "...Closer to GOD," but it happened...

Yesterday a piece of poetry from the Bhagavad Gita popped into my head whose essential translation is such: Brahma ("God") is the offerer, the offering, and the fire into which the offering is poured... Sounds like a fancy way of saying "God is Everything" (see that other post if you need...).

But as I was pondering on this concept, I fell in love with the idea of ennobling my singing with this particular awareness. How so? Well, if the act of singing is to be a fully conscious act of G*@, I would have to be conscious of all aspects - not only am I consciously singing (conscious of offering), but I am also the free-flowing river of song (the offering itself), and the awareness, or fire, it is being offered into. So not only am I the singer and the song, but the receiver...!

Perhaps it sounds easy (and perhaps it is!), but it is a delicate edge to hold all of these angles at once, in Pure Awareness...

Esperanza (hope?)

2008-10-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

I notice the subject of "hope" arising lately in songs I've been writing. It's a little funny, because I don't tend to find the word "hope" very vibrant (with apologies to our beloved Barack :-) When I first heard the word "esperanza," however, I had a wholly different feeling, and immediately set to writing a song by that name... When I sang it (nervous and shaky) for my Bolivian roommate (I don't speak Spanish, so writing an entire chorus in the language was pretty risky!)... - when I sang it for her, I told her my sense of the word, Esperanza, is that though it's often translated as "hope," its quality is more potent - as if striving for something that you know will come to be, living your life as an expression of hopefulness and positivity in the present. She said, "yes, that's it."

Respira la esperanza, con la fuerza del espiritu
Inspira la esperanza, con la fuerza del espiritu

My feelings on hope (and this presidential campaign, if I may) is that it need not be an end-point, but rather a quality we live our lives with. I don't actually feel a sense of attachment that comes with the "hope" that Obama or McCain wins or loses (respectively :-) But rather, I feel a deep knowing of the goodness of human nature. And honestly, I see "hopeful" bits of human goodness in both of them. Not to say I agree with both of their principles equally... But it serves to be said that I feel a sense of "hope," of goodness and grace, that is unconditional. I know humankind the world over is struggling now to find its balance - to learn how to live together in this ever-shrinking span of cultural distances... I know we all - me, you, the guy next door - we all struggle with the forces of dark and light within ourselves. Every day we have the choice whether to judge one another for our differences, even those we think are so clearly "wrong." And a million other subtle choices - do I know the repercussions of the little one-mile drive I took today, the plastic bag I took home, the smile I left with that cashier...? We live in a tangled web of dark and light, conscious and unconscious...

So I take time to return every day, to remember the sacred things I hold dear - peacefulness, compassion, non-judging, gratitude... And from this place I live, perhaps a little more simply, and with a lot of love and knowledge of the goodness of humankind. Lost, overwhelmed, shut-down, confused as we may be, we are a blessed species - and indomitably sweet :-) And the "hopefulness" I feel comes from that knowing - not to be diminished when one "hope" or another comes true or not. So often we can't understand the ways of grace...

As Rob Brezsney reminded us,

Before the last U.S. presidential election in 2004, *What Is Enlightenment?* magazine posed the following query to five religious leaders: "Many people argue that the upcoming presidential election is the most important in our lifetime. Do you agree?"

Four of the respondents said, in effect, "Yes, because George Bush is bad for America and the world."

But the fifth religious leader, Zen Buddhist Jan Chozen Roshi, replied, "I don't know. Our existence is so short, it's like a dust mote in the eye of God. To say that the time in which my dust mote existed was the most important is a self-centered view."

I love that!

And still, another new song arose the other day, in honor of this moment, this precipice...

Mother of the world, bring our souls to surrender
Bring your holy light down, that your children remember,
that we come from the womb just like all the ancestors,
and return to the roots of timeless answers, timeless answers...

And it's a time of doom and a time of rage
And everything we knew is falling away
But we are turning the page, we are the change
Sacred fire is burning away...

And I knew you long before I knew there was something more, something more...
And I held your hand before I knew the secret door, secret door...

Blessings on your journey - may you be ever-filled with peace.

Om Shanti

New Fansite?!

2008-10-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

It remains to be seen whether this is for real, or if it's just a tongue-in-cheek parody of appreciation...

ihateariana.blogspot.com - my sister-site?...

Abhinivesha

2008-10-14T11:35:00.001-07:00

It should be noted that in the last post ("Work It!!"), though I gave some examples of fear playing out in my life, the subtle fear that arises in meditation is more a primordial fear - perhaps the root of all these other fears in my life.

In the Yogic system, beyond the litany of basic ignorances, (attachment, aversion, etc, etc...), abhinivesha is considered the ultimate ignorance - and one that arises even in great sages and enlightened masters. It's often translated as either "clinging to life," or "fear of death." This is a healthy and understandable fear that all of us carry. And it plays itself out in myriad of subtle ways in our life - especially the less we're conscious of it. Heck, our whole materialistic/consumer society is based on this one primordial fear, one could argue...

So while I could (probably over and over again) address the basic fears as they play out in my life - of survival, money, approval... - this experience in meditation offers me a visceral awareness of the subtle root of all fear. Suddenly I feel I'm not actually in control of my life, and am brought face to face with the unknowable and unknown. I stand on the brink of annihilation and I can choose to surrender to its sweetness, or waste my time fighting the very fire that is burning away my hopeless clinging to life.

I'll choose annihilation anytime...

...
As always, I must credit Richard Freeman for his eloquent introduction and teaching of these principles...

Work It!!

2008-10-13T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm always thankful for my morning meditation and pranayama (yogic breathing) practice. Wherever I'm at, it provides an opportunity to sit still and witness, perhaps even transform...

A little background: I'm living in a distinct time of uncertainty. Design jobs are thin, I'm on the brink of a couple big projects/decisions with music, and finances are mighty slim... This morning, as sometimes happens, a veery veeery subtle sensation came over me, with accompanying emotional involvement. The emotion and sensation feel somewhat scary, with a sense of lack of control (like I said, this is very subtle). This morning, I discerned an underlying thought: "I shouldn't feel scared," and I decided to apply Byron Katie's "The Work" to this thought...

[For those of you not familiar, The Work is a series of questions designed to unravel the compulsive patterns our thoughts take, perhaps offering new possibilities - or maybe even a blank slate!]

Here goes...

"I shouldn't feel scared," can you know that's true?... No, I can't

How does it feel when you think the thought, "I shouldn't feel scared?" I feel judgmental on myself, as if I should be stronger, less vulnerable.

Can you think of one reason to drop the thought (and don't try to drop it! {to quote Katie, "we can't drop our thoughts, but they can drop us...") Yes, I would feel kinder to myself, and I would allow myself that sense of vulnerability, of humbleness in the face of the unknown.

Can you think of one stress-free reason to keep the thought? No :-)

Who would you be without the thought, I shouldn't be afraid? I would accept the sweetness of feeling vulnerable, humble, perhaps even in awe of the mystery, the unknown. I would accept that I don't (and can't!) know everything, remembering that it's this unknowing that opens us up to growth.

Turn the phrase around, and see if you can find a reason the turnaround could be as much or more true: "I should feel afraid." Yes, I can see that this is very true. In my experience, fear often comes as a prelude to embracing something vaster, more freeing and amazing, than I could have imagined with my limited awareness. And to open to that unknown, vaster realm, I've had to pass through the gateway of fear - rather than skirt around it or pretend I don't feel it. Fear, even terror, has been a powerful waterfall veiling an unlimited treasure trove of creative inspiration - a purifying fire that we pass through on the way to divine grace.

As you can see - The Work doesn't aim so much to fix our "problems" as it does to untangle the obsessive thoughts that attach themselves to us. By thinking "I shouldn't feel afraid," I was a) placing a judgment on myself (not very nice!), and b) not allowing the gift of that exciting sensation we often call "fear" to fill my heart with its vibrant blessings.

So here, I dive, fearlessly into the unknown...!!!

:-)

I was a Country Bumpkin...

2008-10-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

To forget how to dig the earth and tend the soil is to forget ourselves.
~Gandhi

It's true! I was a country girl, running wild thru the fields, getting bee-stung and nettle-stung and showering from a hose. I didn't always live in the country as a kid, but often, at least when I was young. In the autumn, my mom would pull me out of school just a week or so after it started so we could head up to the apple orchards for pickin' season. She still does – is in the Okanagan orchards right now! She goes up in the early summer for thinning season also. …though she stays home in Oregon for winter pruning season – where she tends the trees of any fruit owners smart enough to request her magic touch.

This summer, I probably emailed my mom no less than 20, 30…? times with gardening and pruning and cooking questions alone! (At least 5 times just this past week!) From how best to pit [hand-picked!] cherries, how close to trim back the grape leaves, how to can peaches (with skins or not?), when to harvest nettles… My mama's got the answer to everything earth-related. At least so far as I can tell…

I confess that I left my country life intentionally. Suddenly, the city life my dad and his new girlfriend and her three kids lived seemed so much more enticing – I could have new clothes and as much candy as I could eat! And watch movies and tv?!! So I left behind my thrift-store finds, the gardens and berries growing all around my mama's home, my girlfriends on the farm, and worst of all, my Mom. I cry just writing this. I've never thought of this pinnacle moment in quite this way before…

Over the years, as I passed {roughly} through adolescence, and finally gave up trying to "fit in" (this bumpkin never could quite figure out city folk!), it amazed me to watch how little bits of my mom's long-rejected lifestyle started to creep back in. I started making or thrifting nearly all my own clothes, cooking my own food from scratch, and growing gardens everywhere I could! Gardens? But of course! I never thought much of it, never even thought of myself as a gardener. In fact, just to prove my thoughtlessness, I didn't even do it all the time. But it was more often the case than not – almost just as a compulsion…

It wasn't until this last year, when [surprise!] I started tending my overgrown yard and planting a garden at my new house – that it really started to dawn on me what a powerful path this really is. Indeed, as I start to think of what really is important – especially as the social structures all around me are teetering – this simple act of growing our own food seems primary.

I loved reading this little bit by Starhawk recently: "With all the furor about falling markets and frozen credit, nothing real has changed in the economy. Granted, the repercussions will be that many of us have less money in our pockets and fewer opportunities. But we still have the natural resources we had a month ago. We still have our skills, our knowledge, and our productive capacity. What we’ve lost is a towering edifice of icing with no cake underneath."

When I think about it in this light, I realize I am a resource of sustainability, damn it – even of Hope! – in this day and age. And I'm lucky to live in Boulder, where the network of sustainability is growing stronger day by day. (Whether this region is ultimately sustainable is a discussion I would like to keep alive with my dear friends, far and wide!). Here we have local dairies, local farms and seedbanks, (www.eatabbo.org!!), local meat, local arts and crafts…

I could go on and on about the importance of sustainability and living local (ie, not exhausting our fossil fuels to import cheap shit that is so much more rewarding to grow/make/trade at home…). But what feels most crucial to me is the quality of Soul that I experience by growing my own food, knowing the local farmers, getting gritty under all my nails, sewing my own skirt, walking to work…

Tonight we're expecting the first frost of the season, and I spent the afternoon harvesting a bushel worth of tomatillos, the last of the zucchini (beautiful little babies with their flowers still attached made for a gourmet feast!), all the basil (saved a couple clippings to root and grow thru the winter as 'starts' for next year, but the rest went straight into pesto!), parsley, cilantro, a couple delicata squashes…

I left the pumpkin (hahaha, that rhymes with bumpkin) – it's not even orange yet, as I believe it can safely survive one frost. I also left the parsnips – they're eagerly awaiting the sweetening bite of cold – as are a couple hundred dandelion roots just waiting for the after-frost harvest!... Tonight's dinner consisted entirely (minus the olive oil and salt) of vegetables from the garden or the farmer's market. I consider this network my lifeline – both to sustainability and to sanity. And I am thankful most of all to my mom for instilling me with this most basic and sacred of sensibilities. She is a blessed soul – a powerhouse of wisdom and integrity. I aim to become more and more like her.

...
RESOURCES:

If you get a chance to read this book, Animal Vegetable Miracle, it may enliven your sense of the importance (and joy!) of living local - plus, it's a fun read! Also, visit http://animalvegetablemiracle.com for bountiful links to treasurable resources such as the slow-food movement, sustainable agriculture, where to find farmers and farmer's markets around the world....

www.ams.usda.gov/farmersmarkets – find a market in your area!

Agriculture is the most healthful, most useful and most noble employment of man.
~George Washington

"There seem to be but three ways for a nation to acquire wealth. The first is by war, as the Romans did, in plundering their neighbors. This is robbery. The second by commerce, which is generally cheating. The third is by agriculture, the only honest way, wherein man receives a real increase of the seed thrown into the ground, in a kind of continual miracle, wrought by the hand of God in his favor, as reward for his innocent life and his virtuous industry."
~Benjamin Franklin

...Closer to GOD

2008-10-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love using that wicked 3-letter word – G-O-D!!! Of course, I wasn't raised with any Judao-Christian mythology… …er, at least not firsthand. Both my parents took the "high" road of the 60s and 70s, and in their own ways, each of them became mystics – finding more truth in direct contact with the divine than by any strategized religion…

But this post isn't about my past, my parents, or the lack of organized religion in my childhood – it's about how interesting I find it that being sick can bring us closer to God. Oh yeah, I forgot – what is that elusive "God" I was brought up with, if not the one dictated by some book? It goes about like this: "God is everything." Yup, that's it, not much to it. Um, everything? Even bugs? Even really nasty shit? Yup, everything.

Okay, I digress again… But really, I do find it quite amazing to witness that the simple act of getting our ass kicked (in the case in point, by a gnarsty throat-bug and achey flu!) – how that simple, humbling act tends to bring me right back to God. In this instance, I'll elaborate on my definition: God as that grace, intelligence, consciousness in everything. (That doesn't mean God's not also that murkiness, ickiness, heaviness… in everything also! Mind you…)

Okay, wow, lot's of 'splainin' to do when I use that little 3-letter-word! Well, I'm not intending this blog to be a discourse on what-god-is – I suggest we can each discover that for ourselves, and likely it's not something we can put into words…

Guess I could sum up this post by saying that the act of slowing down, listening within, and awakening to the intelligent grace of healing brings me into a place that feels mighty divine indeed.

I read a little passage in "Beauty Power and Grace: the many faces of the Goddess" yesterday that made my heart smile. As I was laid low with sickness, humbled in my humanness, and asked to slow down and nurture myself, I was reminded that it is these very yielding and feminine qualities that draw us closer to God: "the qualities generally associated with the feminine, such as love, compassion and humility are considered the most essential. In the balance of the inner and outer worlds, it is ultimately in the inner world that the individual finds fulfillment."

So I am enjoying this little respite from the social and go-go-go in the world activities – time to regenerate a sense of stillness, centeredness, and God-focus in my life....

Moths and Owls...

2008-08-08T19:17:00.000-07:00

The other night, on the phone with a sisterfriend (visit her site if you like), I took off my fedora with the big owl feather and saw a glorious moth was resting on it. I remarked upon this, and she responded, "my new painting has moths and owls in it too."

The next day, in a rainstorm I wore my fedora again, as it's a little waterproof. In the car after the farmer's market, suddenly a large moth flew around my head and up to the windshield... Here I am again with my owl-feather fedora and a moth again!

It occurs to me, of course, that beyond the obvious mystical meanings behind those two animals (check ur medicine cards if you need :-) that they are both simply nocturnal!

Um, it's true that I've been staying up past 2am every night...

Ahh, summer!

Born Lucky...

2008-08-08T19:07:00.000-07:00

"Born Lucky," supposedly is the meaning of my dad's name. Even a few years ago, I may not have believed he'd passed that trait onto me, but lately I've been feeling so blessed. Luck, perhaps, would not describe it, but it does seem the floodgates of Grace have opened and continue to pour... especially when I remember to acknowledge so, in Gratitude!

I did set my sights on this opening consciously, and have for many years. I was blessed with the predisposition to inquire deeply, perhaps painstakingly, into my true mission in life and the ways of the universe. On this path, I've had to learn the balance between discipline and gentleness in order to tend the garden of my soul diligently, yet patiently.

It is dark, this road, full of heavy loads which we must bear - if only to discover how strong we've become when we finally put them down. It takes the courage of a King, a Queen, to bear the suffering of one's own heart. But it is the only path which unlocks true Joy, and Peace.

I know not what any of ours' future holds, individually or as a planet. I've made peace with uncertainty. But I do know the immense internal freedom that comes with dedicating oneself to the path of Truth, Wisdom, and Healing. May we all find the courage to seek and find our true selves - unbound, full of Bliss, and joyfully at peace...

Sat Chit Ananda...

Back to the Garden...

2008-07-12T21:55:00.000-07:00

The Eternal Gypsy...

2008-06-26T23:57:00.000-07:00

So my delightful cottage is up for sale - soon I may have to move again...

Of course, I knew that would happen eventually. There's no sustainable water source here, not enough land to plant fruit trees and have a horse, and it belongs to someone else anyways... sigh.

The first song I ever wrote was called "Gypsy Woman." It popped out, unannounced, in a voice that I'd never heard before - the beginning of this medicine journey of song... Since then, I've often understood God, or Great Spirit, to be a Gypsy Spirit - belonging to none, always moving and changing, flowing on and on through every living thing... I understand that this song is not my "own," nor any of my possessions or life choices, not even this very body - it is simply a momentary manifestation of this great and changing Spirit, blessing us with its Presence.

The night I learned the house was on the market, I was in fantastic spirits - knowing the way of the universe would sweep me into the next perfect thing. But I also cried - sorrow for feeling continually displaced in this world, longing for home roots where I can plant my nettles and meadowsweet in the earth...

But then I remembered - when I remember my true and lasting connection with God, with this Gypsy Spirit within, when I am at peace within the everchanging oceans and storms within my own heart - then all these external changes cease to affect me. And I am at Peace. :-)

So I thank God, and thank Grace, for always showing me the way...

A New Spin...

2008-06-25T00:51:00.000-07:00

Hahaha - whooda thunk it...

After all that contemplation and renunciation last year, here's a new spin (one that makes you go "duh") on the old hair/India/lice issue...

I'd convinced myself that it was some great letting-go, that it was foolish to fight shaving my head, that it was a great lesson in how attached I'd become to my glamorous, goddess self...

So a friend says the other day, "my perspective is that it seems like you were giving away your power, going off and chasing a man to India - and catching lice in the very place you were looking for him.

Right.

So all this "great time of renunciation" thing? Fuck that! (although it's surely been very good for my inner strength) - it was simply the foolish consequence of chasing love where it was unrequited. And then lingering too long after I'd discovered that...

And yet, surely the beauty of renunciation has been deep. Surrendering ever into God's hands, God's plan... But now I see that I can surrender also to the power and grace that flows thru me - This is God, flowing through my hair, through the beauty of my dance, through the riversong of my voice. So I surrender to beauty, to sensual love, to this sweet and sacred earth, to friendships that nourish like dew on my sexy skin.

And I renounce loneliness, timidity, holding-back, heck, even renunciation itself!

And I've learned this: when we give away our power and grace to that which doesn't support us, even more than we know can be lost or taken away. But this only empties us to fill up again - we do emerge stronger. The rage that comes clawing out of our hearts, raising our cry to dear God - "I am Worthy!" - this is a sacred rage, the power of Shakti showering us with her cleansing rain...

The Old Spinster...

2008-06-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

I never wrote this personal piece last year when I was writing a lot about the period of renunciation I was in "Om Namah Shivaya," "Pancakes and Ice Cream," "Naked," "Death by Shiva," etc... - but it's what triggered it. Perhaps on this personal level you'll understand...

I had been relentlessly infatuated with someone who didn't reciprocate the feeling (anyone else here relate? :-) One day, in one of those epically beautiful and heart wrenching scenarios, I sat alone as he walked away and left me with that mournful longing in my heart, a wolf howling to the moon for her pack. But what was I to do but honestly acknowledge that he wouldn't (couldn't?) fulfill this emptiness in my heart??

So I sat, on the banks of a slow lazy river, lonely and sad. I write to myself, "it's comfort I wish from him - 'yes, you are loved' - but it's comfort I can only receive from God."

The sadness and tenderness I feel in this moment soften, and I comfort myself... I know I can remember God, and find fulfillment in that. I know to some extent this man was protecting himself rightly from my desperate grasping. On the other hand, he was afraid and unable to love...

Some days later, I write a song of forgiveness and gratitude for him, "I love you, like the sunlight loves the clear sky. In your presence, I become Light, and Infinite..." I share the song, and invite him not to take it "personally." But he does, throwing up a veil of separation even in the face of unconditional love.

But it is sung, offered freely, forever.

...
Later, sharing with a friend how this experience finally (if painfully) unearthed this amazing unconscious thought: "if only (when only) I find the right partner, the right relationship, then my life will be complete." A part of me has been fearful of this silly vision of being alone and old - that crazy spinster with her cats. Funny thing is, I tend to prefer my home aloneness. Except of course when I'm sharing time with friends, or making love, or laughing with children, or...

But nonetheless, you can see now why I felt it wise to go through a period of "renunciation" of sorts - to unravel and unempower these clinging thoughts, and to simply find peace. And indeed, it's been now a couple years since I've been in a love relationship... Finding contentment, santosha...

Only this week have my heartstrings been pulled again (as opposed to my luststrings - those have been pulled many times) - though from afar. And so at this precipice, this tender heart wishes to remember the absurdity of that unspoken thought, that something is missing, that I am incomplete. Ha! From out of fullness to allow my heart to open to connection if/when the time is true.

A deepening of wisdom has arisen in these months and years of doing-without. I don't even feel capable of doing things in the same, absurd ways. There's a depth and caring for life that has grown beyond the borders of my petty personal longings... But I still see the possibility of a foolish heart arising anytime...

Hmm, I think I've opened a can of worms - I could write endlessly on this subject because I don't yet have any answers, as I'm still living the questions! So I'll stop now and set it free....

The Balance of Things...

2008-06-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

Mmm hmm...

It's moist and slightly overcast outside, a blessed treat in this arid high mountain town. The air smells of earth and blossoms. A meadowsweet shot up right outside my door and its powdery white blossoms a transcendent bliss of ephemeral cloudlike blooms. Heavenly...

Only here since November, I didn't know quite what to expect. At first I thought, "oh, I probably won't do any gardening." That's like a whale saying it might not swim for the year - hahaha!

So poco a poco little plants and seeds have found their way to the ground, clearing away just enough space for them to shine amidst the wild cacophony of weeds and meadow.

The grape arbor sheltering the front of my house is so abundantly overflowing it feels as if it wants to reach out and fill the whole sky with its fullness. Green green and green! I pick and pickle its leaves for quinoa dolmas and have a garden party so I may sit back and enjoy for a few moments with friends, then sing to strains of angel harp and tabla into the eve...

Slender little tomatillo plants drape their fledgling fruits like delicate japanese lanterns, while nasturtiums still yield deep red flowers though the plants themselves look like windblown trees aching up through desolate mountainscapes - the garden bed itself is rather loamy - next year I'll amend that!!!

Amaya, my 8 year old neighbor, and I stung ourselves intentionally on stinging nettles the other day (it took about 20 tries each with the newly planted starts!). I planted them in pots because given my gypsy heritage, I never know how long I'll stay in one place - and wouldn't want to leave a surprise legacy of wild stinging plants for the next unsuspecting tenant...

Sigh. How I long, one day, for a plot of land I can fully dig my roots. Though I know I am ultimately just a fleeting dream and will pass away as any wild seed gives itself to the wind...

Still, I care for the land wherever I may be, tending to the balance of things...

Eagle Vision...

2008-05-06T15:33:00.000-07:00

I dream of an invitation/riddle...

"You are walking along, and an eagle flies by, beckoning you to come along with it, but without flying. How do you do it?"

I reply, "drop fully into the body, into beingness, dropping out of the mind and into the breath. There, in the body and the breath, a great spaciousness arises, as if feeling the vast infinity between every cell, every atom. In this grounded, embodied space, suddenly we realize Freedom. And in that freedom there is a sense of flying, yet while fully grounded on the earth."

Another friend, in the dream, responds, "I couldn't find an answer to the riddle because I kept thinking of this pigeon who keeps flying up and getting trapped in my ceiling."

If that isn't an apt metaphor for the challenge in truly meditating...

:-)

Wicked!

2008-05-03T22:27:00.000-07:00

I've had a wicked sense of humor lately - a wicked sense of life in general really! Joyfully so, as if Kali-ma is cackling through me, and twinkling mischievously and almost dangerously through my eyes...

Care to dance in the fire with me?...

Hahahahaha!

Stroking the Uvula

2008-03-25T13:55:00.000-07:00

I had a most hilarious conversation with someone on tribe.net the other day...

I can't remember the initial inquiry - but it was something to do with Tantra and sex and all that (I believe sparked by the fact that I share a last name with an old Tantric Sage...

So in order to shatter his lustful illusions, I had to reply! Here follows...

________________________________________________

Ariana Saraha wrote:

"Forsaking bliss the fool roams abroad,
Hoping for mundane pleasure;
Your mouth is full of honey now,
Swallow it while you may!"
...
"Obsessed with the joys of sexual embrace
The fool believes he knows ultimate truth;
He is like someone who stands at his door
And, flirting, talks about sex."
...
"Like a brahmin taking rice and butter
Offering sacrifice to the flame,
He who visualises material things as celestial ambrosia
Deludes himself that a dream is ultimate reality."
...
"He labels his peak experience sahaja:
He is clinging to a reflection mistaken for the mirror."
...
etc...

In my view, the Saraha Doha is both a treatise and a challenge to the practice of yoga - reminiscent-of, and yet thoroughly laughing- at/with, traditional sources such as Patanjali's Yoga Sutras...

While I enjoy and honor the sensual world, I still call it what it is... A beautifully silly and unspeakably sacred maya...

blissprincess.blogspot.com/2007/05/namesake.html (bwah haha ;-)

________________________________________________

Ariana,

"Like a brahmin taking rice and butter
Offering sacrifice to the flame,
He who visualises material things as celestial ambrosia
Deludes himself that a dream is ultimate reality.

Enlightening the House of Brahma in the fontanelle
Stroking the uvala in wanton delight,
Confused, believing binding pleasure to be spiritual release,
The vain fools calls himself a yogin"

I believe that spirituality encompasses the whole person- body, mind and soul. And I agree that sex is only a token in that equation. That is why I view tantra as having valuable techniques that can enhance that part of our lives, not as my pathway to spirituality. The union between two souls only mirrors the union between a person and the divine.

I'm still learning though...
blessings,

Jim

________________________________________________

Ariana Saraha wrote:

Ah, beautiful - I totally agree, and honor you.

Just always doing my part to inquire deeper and make sure people are thinking as fully as possible (and not using so-called "tantra" to pander to their addictions... :-)

This line cracks me up: "Stroking the uvala in wanton delight" - because it alludes to an absurd practice (you can read about it in the "Hatha Yoga Pradipika") in which a yogi, bit-by-bit, shaves off the little connecting tissue under the tongue so he/she is able to more fully turn the tongue backwards to supposedly drink the nectar dripping down from the pineal gland - hahahahaha!!! So you can see why I said he's poking-fun-at...

Thanks for the little dialogue, it's been delightful :-)

Blessings ~ A

________________________________________________

Ha! Hilarious.... thanks for informing me about "stroking the uvala"... I honor you too... You're not only beautiful but intelligent, thoughtful and poetic, a joy to get to know...

blessings,

Jim

Risking it All!...

2008-03-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm ready. I've decided it is time to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak - to make music [finally!] my full time profession. As a preliminary step, I will be taking the summer off from all other engagements in order to study, perform, and record an album (the first of many...). In my deep, intuitive heart, I know I am finally ready, and so I am taking a leap...

As my father's daughter, of course I consult the I Ching. It replies with the third line of 17, "Following," which reads as such...

"If one clings to the strong man,
One loses the little boy.
Through following one finds what one seeks.
It furthers one to remain persevering."

"When the right connection with distinguished people has been found, a certain loss naturally ensues. A man must part company with the inferior and superficial. But in his heart he will feel satisfied, because he seeks and needs for the development of his personality. The important thing is to remain firm. He must know what he wants and not be led astray by momentary inclinations."

My experience with the I Ching is that it is relentlessly honest. Many times I have had wild and inspired schemes, but it has always shown when my ego is deluded. Here and now, however, I see there is no delusion. It's a wild and inspired scheme, to be sure, but one in line with my dharma - my righteous path on Earth.

The first CD (after the 'vocal warmups' one, of course!) will be called "Musings," and is an assortment of mostly Sanskrit prayers set to a trance tanpura landscape. It will be lush and intricate at the same time as being spacious and even a bit sparse - honoring the crystalline purity of these ancient prayers. It will be perfect for yoga and massage.

The CD after that will feature my full band and danceable rhythms... More on that soon! In the meantime, catch me "musing" at the Kirtan Summit, and "grooving" on April 18th at the Laughing Goat.

Mad Kingdom!

2008-03-24T19:17:00.000-07:00

...the animal kingdom, that is...

Some years ago, I had a funny experience where one of those ubiquitous and adorable little boxelder bugs poked its proboscis into my skin ("ouch!").

Since then, however, I've made my peace with them - they zip around my little cottage all winter long... I let them out the windows on sunny days... I often think of how Richard Freeman refers to "bugs" as an everyday opportunity for communion (mystical union?)...

But alas, the cuteness illusion was shattered yet again today. I sat down to meditate and noticed two of 'em next to me on a log. One looked dead, or nearly so. Upon closer inspection, I discovered that one had its proboscis speared into the others' head! What?!! Go figure, I had to poke it to see what was happening - both were alive, but one barely...

After awhile the destroyer scurried off and left an empty shell of his brother... what?!!

The animal kingdom is mad I tell ya!!!

Is it any wonder that we humans have a hard time at it? Yet look at the blessing of reflection and compassion that we also have - that we need not be entirely determined by the body/fear sheath. Intrigued to see how we continue to evolve...

Hahaha - Happy Springtime!

Renewed

2008-03-19T14:22:00.000-07:00

This monthly cycle of being a woman...

...is such a blessing. An opportunity, each time, for re-birth. Somehow I always feel I can shed whatever habits and ickies might have accumulated, and to start fresh. With fresh inspiration, new hope, more clarity... It helps that I give myself down-time in this cycle: time to reflect, be still, be silly, let it go... Then the putting-back-on of my everyday rhythms is a gift, not a chore.

May we shed the conditioning that we should always be busy and frazzled. May we remember the in-between times. May we remember gentleness - with ourselves, with each other, with the earth. May we all be blessed, men and women, with periods of down-time in order to refresh our energies and start anew...

Winter Tulips...

2008-02-25T17:25:00.000-08:00

Just across the alley from me is another little cottage. Even through the snow and winds, a basket of fake yellow tulips hangs upon its perfectly painted buttercream side. An emblem, perhaps, of our human hope (folly!) for a perfect, pretty, safe, and steady life... Ha!

Irresistible!

2008-02-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

I always resisted the translation of "Savitur" (as in the Sri Gayatri Mantra) as the "adorable one."

But here, watching these adorable little birds outside my window pecking at the ground, I get a sense that God's got something with this adorable quality!

I always preferred to translate Savitur as "that radiance of God's love that is irresistible." But now I see that it's the adorable quality that is indeed irresistible!

Falling...

2008-02-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

Life is like falling off a cliff.

The moment we're born, we tip off. Oblivious, for the first many years, google-gaggling and bopping joyfully around...

Then at some point we wake up to the fact that someday we'll go "Splat!" Existential fear grabs us, and we begin flailing about recklessly - trying to grab onto anything, learn to fly, hold on to each other for dear life.

Perhaps we surround ourselves with enough distractions that we feel safe and cozy for awhile. But something in our hearts knows... But when we don't admit it, we start fearing the things in our lives - trying to grasp harder, or pushing away stronger (skt: raga, dvesha). Essentially, creating a lot of suffering.

But if we admit this existential fear, there's a precious opportunity to embrace it - to embrace the tender uncertainty that lies behind it, relaxing into the falling, flying... Sure someday this falling and flailing will end, and all the fleeting things we cherish also... But there is this precious moment.

Torture!

2008-02-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

Ahh, now I see! Meditation and yoga are ways we torture ourselves until we simply give up.

Not "give up" in the sense of flopping to the ground and doing nothing - but where we give up fighting and let Grace guide us, moving with ease in every living, breathing moment...

Choice...

2008-02-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

In pranayama practice today, I had this moment where the prana froze me - so that I had no choice but to sit in a particular position (nothing fancy, just sitting - as if in meditation - but with a certain sense of balance...). It occurred to me then how often I'd wished "God" would just tell me in no uncertain terms what to do. Yet in this now-moment as it was happening, I realized the preciousness of our human capacity for choice.

Then the sensation subsided, and as if by a gentle grace, I also felt myself drawn to sit a certain way (again, just a particular sense of balance in the way I was already sitting). Then I thought of how that sense of choice can be a discernment - or perhaps conscious and mindful awareness of the Tao...

So now, I no longer ask "God, hit me over the head with the truth," but rather, "may I be ever more aware, that I may wisely choose (or perhaps more aptly, discern) the way of least resistance, to walk in divine Grace..."

A Clean Slate

2008-02-12T15:15:00.000-08:00

One simple thing that has felt helpful in embracing a Gentler Pace...

To take time for the in-betweens. When I pause in the morning to meditate and focus on my breath, or do asana practice, my workday is more effective. When I properly nourish myself with a good dinner, and perhaps even take time to read or write (or simply rest!) afterwards, then my evening music practice becomes more full. If I don't pause in between, I'm running on auto-pilot, not even realizing what I'm carrying (energetically) from where I've just been. My 'next-thing' becomes colored, even unconsciously, and eventually fatigue sets in... We often have no idea the depth of our experience – and the preciousness of it! – until we stop and digest. These pauses can be, and often are, very small moments – but the benefit I gain in allowing myself 5 minutes (or an hour) to stop, breathe, and integrate is Rich. From this richness I move on to each new moment with fullness of presence, integrity, and a clean slate.

Darkening of the Light

2008-02-11T14:55:00.000-08:00

Umm, I know it may sound trivial… but I'm wearing dark colors again :-)

It was pretty all-of-the sudden, since the night I bought a cajón – the box drum with the phat bass and snappy snare that's often played in Flamenco music… Suddenly I felt I needed to come down to Earth. Of course, I didn't know I hadn't been down-to-earth :-)

But indeed, I have been in a pretty vast realm of Letting-Go, unattachment, freedom and grace…

It feels good to feel the ground of Earth also.

A Gentle Pace...

2008-02-04T15:57:00.000-08:00

I've been noticing that over the last week, since returning to my little Boulder sanctuary, I have been moving at a different pace. Rather than flinging myself recklessly into my life - or worse yet, living by obligation - I've been moving slow and deliberately - with radically methodical mindfulness.

I am actually allowing myself, granting permission, to stop. To not do too much, as seems to be the disease of this day and age... To not do just because I think I "should." To actually say "no." It feels like I've gained perspective and have stepped off the treadmill. In yoga, in singing practices, in work even, I'm taking each step slowly, deliberately - not rushing ahead past what is present now. I am only taking on so much every day as feels healthy and graceful to my energy flow. And I am setting aside time to catch up on simple things - working with teaching videos and cds I've never popped in the player, writing and reading when I feel like it, sitting in my music space nightly surrounded by all my instruments...

Most of all, I'm finally allowing myself to accept that there is ample time to live this way. In fact, it's the way we were meant to live!

Even in my simple daily movements - the way I walk across the room, pick something up, rise from sitting... - even in these most simple of tasks I see a mindfulness taking place. While perhaps I am moving a bit slower, mindful awareness makes me more efficient. I think perhaps ultimately this will be the way I will age gracefully...

On Impermanence...

2007-11-21T11:57:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a new dear friend, I've been doing a daily impermanence meditation. In it, I imagine my body is dissolving, dying, falling apart... In that space of dissolution, I meditate on what's left...

The first day I did the meditation, what remained appeared to have qualities: of love and compassion - yet with total detachment and no action. It seemed to have a smile :-)

Today, I experienced that which remains as Shiva in meditation - entirely absorbed in Ishvara (God), and golden light...

Radiance...

2007-11-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

I get it all the time: "do you always wear white?" To answer: who knows, we'll see, insh'allah... All is impermanent anyways - perhaps someday I'll dance naked like Lalleshwari...

A more intriguing question: Last night, a dear woman asked me, "don't you feel vulnerable wearing so much white?" I responded that I don't now, but remember when I used to. But at this point, the amount of radiance and grace I experience inside is strong enough to sustain it. Perhaps also, because I've come to experience comfort with a vast level of openness... No longer do I feel I must hide that [proverbial?] light.

I encourage us all, whatever we wear on the outside, to allow that inner light to shine... It is nourishment, absolution, and peace.

Waking the Dream

2007-08-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

Hi dearest Familia! ~ I wrote this piece shortly after Dreamtime Festival and then was a bit shy to post it, being so deeply of the spiritual/inspirational nature. But what the heck, life is fleeting, best to take risks. So here ‘tis...

...
Dear Souls...

To those of you who have lately been in the Dreamtime and in various Ceremonias... I have heard a few of you speak in shaky terms: “I wish I was back there,” “how can I live this in my everyday?...”

I bid you, Remember! Remember the light that shines within your heart, inexhaustible. You are always there, in ceremony, in the light, in the embrace of the divine...

And there is a vast network, a web of light woven around this world of conscious community – great souls and dreamers, peacekeepers – always there to support us, to reflect the perfection and strength in that which we believe. Hold your heart certain of this and you will attract those into your life to support you living fully this dream. It exists, this network. Tap into your inner light and you will awaken the connection... It’s always there for you, inexhaustibly.

Is there anything that keeps you from knowing this? Any doubts and fears? These are your teachers. There are many stories we hold, consciously or unconsciously, that keep us from acceptance of Love. Each hesitation you feel is an opportunity to witness a story and let it go. It may not be easy – these stories are held in place by acceptance of untruths: “I am not worthy,” “the world is messed up,” “he did this, she did that....” But beyond these veils of separation, beyond the ego’s resistance & denial, lies a deep tenderness – that is where truth resides. Embrace this tenderness, face your wounds. Flood them with your tears, embrace the pain completely. Only in this way will you move through. The darkness will not swallow you, not forever. Thru the shadows, the dark night, you will find an ineffable light. It is an arduous path to arrive and arrive again at this simple truth, but necessary for the healing of our world.

And let yourself be held – by your friends, by the grace of the divine, by gifted healers... It is through the re-embrace of connection and co-creation that we are coming into wholeness. This time the path will not be that of a lone wolf. Howl and the tribe will come to hear you. For we are all one in the dance of the divine.

When you’ve embraced this wholeness, having held yourself as a tender and divine child, you will find compassion for those you meet along the way who do not yet know this. Finally you will release the fight. They are not the boogeymen and perpetrators of our childhood, even of our ancestry. And if they were? - they are divine children also, sometimes lost and confused. All are worthy of compassion. Give up the fight. And if you find yourself triggered, if you find yourself struggling to love, this is another opportunity to face your reflections, embrace your projections. Boundless compassion lies beyond the veil of our wounds...

I am here with you on this journey, knowing your wholeness, always turning inside to the heart of all creation, giving thanks for the blessings of this life. Let us enjoy this beautiful dance, in all its sorrow and tears, all its roller coaster joys and abundance, in the overwhelming chaos and the supreme stillness.

We are dreaming together this dream of the Earth...

Spanda

2007-07-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

spanda: m. throbbing, throb, quiver, pulse, tremor, vibration, motion, activity...

spanda: the vibrational essence of the universe...

I find myself more and more connected to the true alchemical use of the voice – not only through the use of raga and rhythm, but in the pure tones themselves – witnessing the overtones, the dynamic interplay of both precision and expansion, the precise use of resonant chambers to draw out every facet of tone, and simply/especially the way tone has the power to heal in both its vibration and intention... Even just one note carries the whole power of the infinite universe...

Death by Shiva!

2007-06-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

One of the songs we sing in Sanskrit, "Suddhosi Buddhosi," translates as:

       You are forever pure, you are forever true
       and the dream of this world will never touch you
       So give up your attachment, give up all confusion
       Fly in that space that's beyond all illusion

"Give up your attachment...," this seems to be my theme song of late... Every day, it seems, is a new opportunity to let go on a deeper level. I thought I was X, and as soon as I let that go and decide to be Y, that too dissolves... Every rug gets swept from under my feet, every claim to fame, every identity...

Returning from India without a hitch, or so I thought, I soon discovered I had contracted headlice from the beloved orphanage in Rishikesh. I thought, "oh no, what a pain this is!," but never imagined that 3 months later, after unsuccessfully battling what seems to be a ridiculously resistant (mutant?!) strain, I would have moved from my beloved home of 2 years, fallen so behind on work that I'm counting quarters (it'd be pennies, but inflation...), and resorted measures as drastic as shaving my head. My crown glory - gone.

I shaved my head once before, about 11 years ago. It was a choiceful transformation - an opportunity to be newborn again, innocent. I sang and danced freely, lightened in my newness. I let my hair grow for 6 years before even getting a trim. I delighted in watching the beauty of nature as expressed through my hair - every step of the way a new curl, a new natural wave, flowing freely... It grew extraordinarily long, and except for one accident of the scissors, I let it stay that way. It became an emblem of the Divine Mother and Mother Nature in all her grace, power and glory. I honored her, I sang to her - "Jai Ma, Jagadambe Jai Jai Ma!" - victory, praises to the universal Mother. I became her - strength, bones, wisdom, grace, compassion... She healed me as her lifeblood infused me. Embraced in her ever-present arms, I sang - "you are welcome in the Mother, in her arms you are always whole."

At one point in India, all this grace fell away. Varanasi is known as the city of Shiva - "Kashi," city of light. But I found the light harsh. I saw ego everywhere. Little did I realize it was only my own I saw reflected/projected on everybody else. It wasn't easy. There was nearly nowhere to stay, so I found myself sleeping on a rock hard "bed" on a concrete floor in a building with no shower or hot water, swarms of mosquitoes in the bathroom, and a wedding party blasting techno music and talking at full volume till the wee hours in the room nextdoor while I tossed and turned in a feverish sweat.

I got into arguments with shopkeepers, felt alienated from the people I thought were my friends, slopped through cow-dung muddy wet streets... I stayed only for the music, or so I said. Varanasi is renowned for its wealth of master musicians and teachers.

The night before Shivaratri, the great night of Shiva, I was nearly trampled by Shiva devotees running the ghats. Nearly furious, instead I found it in me to laugh. What do I know, anyways, of this culture and its customs. The next night, singing and dancing on the deck of a houseboat on the Ganges river, the harshness broke. I suddenly saw this community of friends I was so blessed by - some old, many new - every person I had judged for their egoic struggles, now I saw as pure and beautiful - all aiming their crooked arrows at that same divine union, that same lasting peace. Suddenly not fighting anymore, I relaxed inside and welcomed in the Shiva energy I'd been fighting all along. What is this transcendent, still, invisible face of Shiva? What is the experience of pure consciousness?

I could sense that if I surrendered to it, stop grasping, pure truth will flow through my actions. With this prayer, I lit aarti lamp after aarti lamp and slid the little flower filled leaf boats into the cool nighttime waters of the Ganges...

And all the harshness I'd experienced leading up to this? - "neti neti," not this, not that. No my dear, you can't have your every wish. Set aside your judgment, your desires, be satisfied with nothing - only then will you find peace. Any other temporal, conditional peace will be only fleeting...

I returned to the States with a profound love for Shiva, for the peace of this surrender. Seeing how much suffering I'd engendered in my life through the continual egoic chasing of my desires, it became clear that my new, true path is to surrender to God's will. Like a song I wrote many years back, "taking hold of nothing, I fall into God's hands..."

Upon this return, it became clear that the idea of incompleteness was a total fabrication, and I couldn't even imagine a path other than the renunciate - why seek anything but God? So I put myself completely into the one thing I know brings me there - music.

And then I discovered the headlice. I awoke madly itchy one night, from a dream of shaving my head. I knew. I even found one that night - head coated in olive oil and tea tree, one fled and I caught it! Almost black, shell so hard it kept its form even after I smashed it.

I never found another. Somehow, they became too clever, too fast, too...? But I found eggs, and I could feel them crawling. For 3 months I battled them, with every over-the-counter, old witches remedy, housewives' kitchen concoction I could dream up. Even kerosene.

When it was to the point that I had to move (a whole story unto itself - unexpectedly, with 2 days notice, and yes, because of the lice), I realized I couldn't continue the fight. For what was I fighting? Mere vanity. Suddenly I became overwhelmed with the hilarity of the situation - how hard I'd been fighting to hang onto a story of what?! I can't even begin to articulate the stories, they're so many. But every one identified my hair as something crucial to my "me"-ness. And I could see how proud I'd grown of my hair, my emblem of the Mother's beauty. Even the Mother, in all her grace, must have laughed at my clutching pride.

So it was time to reiterate what I'd said so many times: I devote myself, wholeheartedly, to the 'renunciate' path. I die to my many personal attachments and offer myself to divine will. I trust that what Spirit has in store is stronger, more beautiful, and more necessary to life than anything my petty little mind can concoct. I let go of everything, completely. I trust that I will be sustained, filled with peace, and wholly satisfied if I set aside my personal will in service.... Om Namah Shivaya!

I still use my mind, my ego: it's a good filter/translator for the divine guidance I receive. And sure, I still get swept away by it for days on end, but then I return and remember my commitment to "renunciation." Sure, I may grow my hair long again, I may make wild love, I may become wealthy - these are not the things I have renounced: it's the stories, the meaning attached to them that has changed. Sometimes we have to renounce the things, however, even for a time, for the inner lessons to sink in...

I feel very thankful for these many blessings: losing my home, falling poverty stricken, losing my hair... As the false attachments fall away, I am left with a world of riches in its place. There is less distraction from the purity of the heart, the grace of song, the sweetness of friendships... I have no shields to hide behind - I have fallen naked, unprotected. I can let the true innocence of the heart shine through...

       You are forever pure, you are forever true
       and the dream of this world will never touch you
       So give up your attachment, give up all confusion
       Fly in that space that's beyond all illusion

       (Suddhosi Buddhosi Niranjanosi
       Samsara Maya Parivarjatosi
       Samsara Swavadam Tyaja Moha Nidram
       Na Janma Mrityu Twahi Sat Swarupe...)

Naked

2007-06-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know, but a week after returning from India, I discovered I had contracted headlice from the orphanage in Rishikesh. I won't go into much detail, but you can see from the phot-oh! that it took some drastic moves to finally eradicate them!

Suffice it to say that after battling daily for 3 months straight, I've chosen to give up the fight. It feels much gentler than what I've been through. Besides, I'm much more interested in dedicating myself to music than to fighting for my vanity...

I'm sure I'll let it grow back, as I tend to honor and allow Mother Nature to have her way... But in the meantime, I'm embracing this letting-go as a spiritual practice. If you read "Om Namah Shivaya," "Stop," or "Pancakes and Ice Cream" below, you've seen that I'm already in a period of 'renunciation' of sorts - of renouncing worldly attachments in favor of the embrace of a deeper truth.

I read an article recently about a woman who renounced the world in favor of living in solitude and silence for 10 years. After that span, she came back into the world with what appeared to be limitless vibrancy. In his article, "No Becomes Yes," David Whyte says of her, "She had an inexhaustible inner light that would endure thru the direst of circumstances. She had come to that light through the ability to say no to everything except the thing most precious to her, an inner focus based on her personal spirituality.... Out of those years of saying no blossomed a magnificent yes - a yes that could be followed fully because after all those years gathering her psyche into one single body of faith, every part of her would be uttering it. Yes!"

It is my intention to continue this period of 'renunciation' so long as it serves me in truly diving into the heart of truth. On the surface (besides the bald head :-) it may not appear as much - I still go out with friends, perform, enjoy the beauty of nature... But inwardly, the experience of retracting my thoughts, dissolving the grasping mind, and renouncing some traditional pleasures feels like an important step in embracing something more true than the fleeting breath of this world...

My altar ego...

Pancakes and Ice Cream

2007-05-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

In Rishikesh, back in January, talking with a friend...

We were talking of desire, of how desire could be focused purely in pursuit of God, or can be diverted into unimportant distractions. He says, "imagine you're on fire. You are running to the river, and someone tries to stop you and offer you ice cream, what do you do?" Of course you keep running to the river!" Pure spiritual desire is like that – all consuming.

Historically, I've always lost interest in (or needed to bring new awareness to) friendships and situations where it's all been about "ice-cream," about aimless distraction - whether that be sex, food, idle chit-chat... So many times I thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting ice cream! But what use do I have for ice cream, which will only distract me for a moment from the deeper truth that I am on Fire! And fire melts ice cream to a tepid, useless river... But why lament the lost ice cream! Come in the fire with me! Come, let's race to the river!

As a complement, just a month or so ago, at a talk given by my yoga teacher, Richard Freeman, he talked of the process of "Neti Neti," not this, not that...

The practice, it is said, is to withdraw the senses and the labeling of objects - withdraw all our tendrils of thoughts and attachment back into the pure center of the heart. In doing so, we "deny" the world - "neti neti..."

This process, he says, is like cooking a pancake. If we do it fully, the pancake becomes ripe for the flip. When it is truly ready, we flip it, and suddenly we open our eyes to see the world we've denied as beautiful and full of life. But in this embrace, there is truly no separation. I am you and you are me, the birdsong, the river, the wind in the trees... Even the sex, food, and idle chit-chat becomes an expression of God! Love is experienced as endless, regardless of the appearances of situations...

Of course, if we flip the pancake too soon, he reminds us, we're left with a big, sticky, gooey mess.

Time to pour another pancake - Set our intentions, sit in meditation, offer ourselves to the fire of the divine...

Namesake

2007-05-03T11:42:00.000-07:00

Saraha's Dohakosa: The Royal Song of Saraha

Doha mdzod spyod pa'i glu: Dohakosa nama caryagiti
HOMAGE TO ARYAMANJUSRI!
Homage to the destroyer of demonic power!

The wind lashes calm waters into rollers and breakers;
The king makes multifarious forms out of unity,
Seeing many faces of this one Archer, Saraha.

The cross-eyed fool sees one lamp as two;
The vision and the viewer are one,
You broken, brittle mind!

Many lamps are lit in the house,
But the blind are still in darkness;
Sahaja is all-pervasive
But the fool cannot see what is under his nose.

Just as many rivers are one in the ocean
All half-truths are swallowed by the one truth;
The effulgence of the sun illuminates all dark corners.

Clouds draw water from the ocean to fall as rain on the earth
And there is neither increase nor decrease;
Just so, reality remains unaltered like the pure sky.

Replete with the Buddha's perfections
Sahaja is the one essential nature;
Beings are born into it and pass into it,
Yet there is neither existence nor non-existence in it.

Forsaking bliss the fool roams abroad,
Hoping for mundane pleasure;
Your mouth is full of honey now,
Swallow it while you may!

Fools attempt to avoid their suffering,
The wise enact their pain.
Drink the cup of sky-nectar
While others hunger for outward appearances.

Flies eat filth, spurning the fragrance of sandalwood;
Man lost to nirvana furthers his own confusion,
Thirsting for the coarse and vulgar.

The rain water filling an ox's hoof-print
Evaporates when the sun shines;
The imperfections of a perfect mind,
All are dissolved in perfection.

Salt sea water absorbed by clouds turns sweet;
The venom of passionate reaction
In a strong and selfless mind becomes elixir.

The unutterable is free of pain;
Non-meditation gives true pleasure.
Though we fear the dragon's roar
Rain falls from the clouds to ripen the harvest.

The nature of beginning and end is here and now,
And the first does not exist without the last;
The rational fool conceptualising the inconceivable
Separates emptiness from compassion.

The bee knows from birth
That flowers are the source of honey;
How can the fool know
That samsara and nirvana are one?

Facing himself in a mirror
The fool sees an alien form;
The mind with truth forgotten
Serves untruth's outward sham.

Flowers' fragrance is intangible
Yet its reality pervades the air,
Just as mandala circles are informed
By a formless presence.

Still water stung by an icy wind
Freezes hard in starched and jagged shapes;
In an emotional mind agitated by critical concepts
The unformed becomes hard and intractable.

Mind immaculate by nature is untouched
By samsara and nirvana's mud;
But just like a jewel lost in a swamp
Though it retains its lustre it does not shine.

As mental sloth increases pure awareness diminishes;
As mental sloth increases suffering also grows.
Shoots sprout from the seed and leaves from the branches.

Separating unity from multiplicity in the mind
The light grows dim and we wander in the lower realms;
Who is more deserving of pity than he
Who walks into fire with his eyes wide open?

Obsessed with the joys of sexual embrace
The fool believes he knows ultimate truth;
He is like someone who stands at his door
And, flirting, talks about sex.

The wind stirs in the House of Emptiness
Exciting delusions of emotional pleasure;
Fallen from celestial space, stung,
The tormented yogin faints away.

Like a brahmin taking rice and butter
Offering sacrifice to the flame,
He who visualises material things as celestial ambrosia
Deludes himself that a dream is ultimate reality.

Enlightening the House of Brahma in the fontanelle
Stroking the uvala in wanton delight,
Confused, believing binding pleasure to be spiritual release,
The vain fools calls himself a yogin.

Teaching that virtue is irrelevant to intrinsic awareness,
He mistakes the lock for the key;
Ignorant of the true nature of the gem
The fool calls green glass emerald.

His mind takes brass for gold,
Momentary peak experience for reality accomplished;
Clinging to the joy of ephemeral dreams
He calls his short-thrift life Eternal Bliss.

With a discursive understanding of the symbol EVAM,
Creating four seals through an analysis of the moment,
He labels his peak experience sahaja:
He is clinging to a reflection mistaken for the mirror.

Like befuddled deer leaping into a mirage of water
Deluded fools in their ignorance cling to outer forms
And with their thirst unslaked, bound and confined,
They idealise their prison, pretending happiness.

The relatively real is free of intellectual constructs,
And ultimately real mind, active or quiescent, is no-mind,
And this is the supreme,the highest of the high, immaculate;
Friends, know this sacred high!

In mind absorbed in samadhi that is concept-free,
Passion is immaculately pure;
Like a lotus rooted in the slime of a lake bottom,
This sublime reality is untouched by the pollution of existence.

Make solid your vision of all things as visionary dream
And you attain transcendence,
Instantaneous realisation and equanimity;
A strong mind binding the demons of darkness
Beyond thought your own spontaneous nature is accomplished.

Appearances have never ceased to be their original radiance,
And unformed, form never had a substantial nature to be grasped;
It is a continuum of unique meditation,
In an inactive, stainless, meditative mind that is no-mind.

Thus the I is intellect, mind and mind-forms,
I the world, all seemingly alien show,
I the infinite variety of vision-viewer,
I the desire, the anger, the mental sloth -
And bodhicitta.

Now there is a lamp lit in spiritual darkness
Healing the splits riven by the intellect
So that all mental defilements are erased.
Who can define the nature of detachment?

It cannot be denied nor yet affirmed,
And ungraspable it is inconceivable.
Through conceptualisation fools are bound,
While concept-free there is immaculate sahaja.

The concepts of unity and multiplicity do not bring integration;
Only through awareness do sentient beings reach freedom.
Cognition of radiance is strong meditation;
Abide in a calm, quiescent mind.

Reaching the joy swollen land
Powers of seeing expand,
And there is joy and laughter;
Even chasing objects there is no separation.

From joy, buds of pure pleasure emerge,
Bursting into blooms of supreme pleasure,
And so long as outflow is contained
Unutterable bliss will surely mature.

What, where and by whom are nothing,
Yet the entire event is imperative.
Whether love and attachment or desirelessness
The form of the event is emptiness.

Like pigs we wallow in this sensual mire
But what can stain our pearly mind?
Nothing can ever contaminate it,
And by nothing can we ever be bound.

This song of existential freedom was composed by the Glorious Master Yogin Saraha...

Stop!

2007-04-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

Question every whim!

What is it you really "want"?

Peace.

Perfect

2007-04-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

How hilarious!

We do get what we wish for, don't we :-)

It occurs to me that I'm living the life I've prayed for for years...

I suppose that could be the premise of "the Secret" movie, which I've not been inclined to see.

On the other hand, it's not like the universe hands us, on a silver platter, all those extraneous things the ego has wished for!

So best take time to purify, ask Spirit what is truly our path, and then say our prayers, make our wishes, set our intentions, etc...

"Purify," simply meaning remembering who we truly are - Love unadulterated.

Insert song here - lilting lullaby of "om namah shivaya..."

Mmm...

Om Namah Shivaya - response

2007-03-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

"Thanks for your thorough response to my question about renunciation! Amen. I'm in total accord. Yay to renouncing chasing and grasping! To renouncing all the beliefs and stories that reinforce the mistaken beliefs of duality and separation.

"To me there is an inherent danger in conventional renunciation - in declaring renunciation of anything deemed not 'spiritual,' even one's own beliefs and thoughts, there is a subtle duality set up in the mind, a polarity which is the very seed of inner war and non-acceptance, non-freedom. It also strengthens the sense of an 'I' doing the renouncing, which effectively takes us further from the real goal of recognizing that no one is there in the first place, that no one ever awakens. If anything, as I've noticed, we awaken to the fact of our fundamental lack of individuality, to the basic truth that we only exist as people in our minds, the absolute non-existence of an 'I', and that Awakening is really all there is anyway - no one awakens, the mind just finally gets that nothing is not God and nothing is personal (i.e. separate). That really blew my mind when I first saw that God isn't spiritual. God IS, and that's all you can say (and even that's finally meaningless). All 'doing' in the name of enlightenment ultimately might bring some nifty, flashy experiences, but in the end, all that is required is simply closely watching and noticing. Awareness itself does everything in its mysterious potent and paradoxical 'action by inaction.' For me, letting go into that recognition is pure not-knowing, pure surrender and total trust and freedom. And that recognition comes and goes - which is also perfectly fine - part of the whole mysterious play. Don't you think?

"A joy to be in this dance with you!"

---
(thanks to my dear friend Steve for this gracious response :-)

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti!

Om Namah Shivaya

2007-03-24T01:15:00.000-07:00

(A response to a friend, following an ongoing discussion of this sense of "renunciation" I've felt since India...)

You asked me what I’m renouncing, and my mind (after its initial period of emptiness) was a flood... But the simple answer is – everything. But not every thing, rather, every mental construct of things. ...All the “shoulds” that keep me from knowing pure-beingness. All the fears and limitations that have kept me from believing in life, in beauty, in the perfect blessedness and deservedness of being-here on this planet. Everything that I’ve “learned” over the years that has tried to direct me away from pure innocence. Anything that keeps me from knowing the essence of true love. And especially the grasping mind. Each time I feel a thought painfully reaching out trying to control something, get something, or achieve something, I allow it to retract into the heart of pure love. I am left wretchedly empty yet peacefully full – no achieving – yet totally at peace.

At this point it feels I am to the bare bones – all that’s left is tender innocence, if even that – perhaps that’s the last thread. Empty. I feel “Om Namah Shivaya” - all attachment dissolving... ...and it’s fine. Because I trust. I trust life, and I trust that life beyond life, that perfect truth that is so much greater than “I.”

And I’ve seen how I’ve suffered – chasing after this want, this fulfillment, this thing I think I “need”... And I realize that I already have everything. I am so entirely blessed, in spite of myself :-) And so I give in, I let go to this blessing, because it is the only thing that is alive – it is life. It’s the pure grace of Spirit. It’s the only thing I can truly receive. It is Peace. And whether it gives or takes from the outward-show of my life is irrelevant – if I am truly in the grace of spirit, it is perfect either way. And so the renunciation is simply surrender. It is a stopping, at the same time as nothing stops, the world keeps spinning, my actions never cease, I keep living...

All I know is it is a great relief. Inwardly I relax, even as I keep moving...

Dancing Flame

2007-02-25T13:05:00.000-08:00

My Spirit is like this
     dancing flame
Burning this body until
     it returns to the Infinte
          from where it came...

Peace

2007-02-23T11:05:00.000-08:00

Meditating this morning, watching my mind go off on its many trails - thinking about this, about that, about this... So much that I became a little overwhelmed - "so much life here for me to live, so many people for me to love!" Feeling tired, unsure how I would have the strength...

Then it occured to me: it's not my personality that can Love, but "God Alone*." So I turn to God - "only You can Love as the world truly needs Love." I relinquish trying...

In that instant, my mind turned inward, retracting all its trails of thought from their external wanderings. All focus suddenly turned to the stillness, the Peace inside. Nothing but this stillness. The mind is relieved to rest, to have nothing to do but rest in this Peace.

And then it seems easy! From this stillness, this inner fulfillment of the Peace of God, Loving is easy. Love comes as a natural extension, or better yet, a natural state-of-being from this contentment and Peace.

(*insert Swami Muktananda's blissful voice here)

India Journeys - 2.19.07 - Delhi

2007-02-19T00:25:00.000-08:00

One Day in Delhi...

I am spending one relaxing day in Delhi, walking around a groovy neighborhood, talking to people, enjoying the sunshine...

Tonight I leave for the States. Preparing for what I know will be a bit of culture shock, but also excited to jump back into my joyful life back in Boulder.

How's the weather?!

:-)

India Journeys - 2.13.07 - Varanasi

2007-02-13T07:01:00.000-08:00

As I type, a little mouse comes by to check out the little neglected chai cup near my computer in this little open air internet stall...

I'm finally relaxing into the madness that is Varanasi. It hasn't been easy, but now I am studying and have a decent place to sleep, so it's starting to feel very sweet...

Not many days more to study here, but always sweet, even just to dip a toe into the river of raga...

I'm taking morning lessons with a wonderful French woman named Uma who has studied Dhrupad for countless years (the oldest style of classical Indian music, in the North at least). Then after wandering free for the afternoons, I take an early evening group class with Ustad Zia Fariduddin Dagar, a beautiful and sleepy-seeming ancient old man who happens to be in the family that is the lineage holders for Dhrupad... Miraculously he is here only one week, overlapping with my stay... And I'd intended to seek the Dagars out for years!

It wasn't easy landing here. Dirty, noisy, crowded... a city! It is to San Fransisco what Rishikesh is to our gentle and magical Boulder. I tend to love the city in small doses, but never seem to feel at home... I was met with a myriad of challenges that shattered any semblance of conditional peace. But weathering it out, I've found it was the perfect challenge to clarify my dedication to God, beauty, and Love (same same :-)

Speaking of "weathering it...," we've had quite a bit of sloppy rain, a unique challenge in open-toed shoes in a city filled with every possible unknown grodiness imaginable... No, I'm not yet comfortable walking around barefoot, I still feel the separation between my tender white skin and the steaming cowpies...

But I'm used to rock hard beds, little or no pillow, lack of central heat on chilly days, all the crazy smells that come my way...

So many stories I don't even know where to begin! But I will be returning just in one week, and we'll be singing kirtan that Friday, rockin it with Tribal Electra Saturday...

And in case you really want into the heart of my journeys, I will be transcribing my journals upon my return, so look for the book out soon... :-)

Loving you all greatly. I'm sending my blessings that you are wonderful and well, that you are finding ever more that place of deep peace, and that you always know you are Loved, that you are the heart of pure Love....

Happy Valentines Day :-) And Maha Shivaratri!!!

Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi!

India Journeys - 2.2.07 - Rishikesh

2007-02-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

There are no words...

...only Love

India Journeys - 1.22.07 - Rishikesh

2007-01-22T04:47:00.000-08:00

Hello kiddos! (freaks, family, friends...)

I am loving you here from my beautiful temporary home of Rishikesh. Indeed, still here! (As anticipated :-) I have moved on from my sweet little ashram to a hotel up the hill. It was a gentle and protected way to enter India, to be swept immediately into ashram life, but I am glad for my freedom now. Ironically, I also miss the groundedness of routine (specific sadhana - spiritual practice - and mealtimes each day...). So I am discovering my own organic daily ritual which includes beautiful moments of sadhana in the sunshine (it's still a bit chilly here, but warming up), including yoga and pranayam, as usual... But the spaces in between are filled with wandering...

Visiting the children's school/orphanage to play with the kids, visit my friend Aaron and the other wonderful volunteers there, eat great organic food in their cafe, sing prayers in their evening children's satsang...

Sitting in Tulsi restaurant, my other favorite eatery - not only for the great food, but for the eclectic mix of mostly young foreigners from all over the world...

Wandering the dusty streets and its mix of smells (incense, dung, deisel...), sounds (bhajans amplified from the temples, pop and sacred music from the vending stalls, boundless bubbles of hindi, endless foreign accents, noisy engines, shouts and calls from people selling things...), and sights (I can't even begin to describe!).

I seem to meet new friends each day. A young Israeli woman who we had a good laugh about how funny it is that so many people spend all their energy complaining about life ("but that's how they find meaning!" I exclaim :-) We laugh and "commiserate" about how much we enjoy our lives, both traveling, and back home... Another amazing woman, who I'm just starting to know, from Norway. We met initially when she asked, "were you singing around a fire in Colorado last summer at a Rainbow Gathering?" Indeed, and she remembered it had been Rebecca and I singing "Jai Ambe Jagadambe..." Getting to know the proud owner of Tulsi, a foreign woman who is marrying her Indian husband this Saturday! Her belly full of baby, we talk about education, ways to kinestetically awaken learning in a more holistic way. We talk of spiders, the web of the universe. We talk of anything we can think of, well into the evening, staying out till 11:30 (late by Indian standards - although I was out one night till 1:30 with my American friend Karl, again at Tulsi).

I spent one afternoon in satsang with ShantiMayi and her sangha, just before they headed to Allahabad for three days of the Kumbh Mela. Very sweet community, although striking that everybody is western, all the way here in Rishikesh! That's where I connected with my tribe.net friend Karl, who I had a fun two days being American in India with. Laughing in that way only irreverent Americans do, only minutes before sharing blessings and ancient Vedic chants down by the Ganges...

Another western-woman teacher is here, Candice O'Denver, teaching the "Great Freedom," resting in awareness... Very beautiful teachings, and I may attend satsang again. But I don't feel I'm here to seek teachings and teachers. They are all around me, in every breath of the air, curve of birdwing, scent of rose, laughter of child, deep gaze of friend, cold mornings and achy feet even!

So I continue on here, for another week it seems, before heading to the Mela and then Varanasi. For now, just enjoying living a life here, being simple. Spending time with the children. Breathing in the sunshine in the morning, practicing yoga and bharata natyam on my rooftop in the afternoons, wandering the streets, smiling and meeting as many gazes as possible...

In Peace ~ Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi:

India Journeys - 1.14.07 - Rishikesh

2007-01-14T03:11:00.000-08:00

Hola beauties!

Well indeed, I have landed in the Motherland. Without fault, and thankfully by Grace, I navigated the airports, the taxis, trains, buses and rickshaws, and arrived in Rishikesh the same day my plane landed in Delhi. Pack on back, intuitively weaving my way through the Lakshman Jhula area of town, which I'd heard was the gentlest (I am on vacation after all!), a very sincere and peaceful woman approached me. Before I knew it, I was sheltered into her sweet ashram, which I then discovered was only around the corner from my one friend in town who's working at Ramana's Garden children's orphanage.

Gently embraced by the sweet gardens at the ashram, my new friend Turiya, a warm "bath" (ie, buckets of hot and cold water mixed and poured...), I set about to a little exploring...

It is different here! Even Morocco didn't prepare me for this level of "third world." Yet here too is permeated with western influence and luxury. For every cowpie there is probably a celphone. Both sides seem equally pervasive.

A bit of culture shock in my first attempt at a shopping experience (it became quickly clear that I needed some warmer clothes!), so I scurried right back to the ashram, and then to find my friend Aaron for a gentler introduction to this new world...

The shock came mostly just from navigating a different way of relating to people. The smells, the dung and urine in the streets, the simple earthy way of living - these are almost immediately familiar. But the way the people take in your gaze - that's where my soul gets shattered, confused... I don't even know that I have the words for it right now. It's becoming more comfortable. I find solace in how easy it is to meet the gaze of women - sometimes warmly, sometimes playfully, sometimes nothing but just being together... But men. Men are like a different species here. Not all, but so many. I've taken to downcasting my eyes most often in their presence. Not out of shyness or shame, but that it is not worth the energy drain to combat what feels like a fairly invasive way of leering at western women. But not
all. I just had a delightful interaction with a young man in a fixed-price shop where I bought a shawl (I tell you, it is cold here!). Somewhat flirtateous on his part, but mostly just in appreciation of the beauty of life. I loved one thing he said...

I told him I had arrived in India alone, but then came here and met a friend. Then in my next journey, to the Kumbh Mela, I will travel alone but then again meet a few friends. After that, I will travel alone to Varanasi, but once again meet a friend! His response: "like life! We enter and leave alone (birth and death), but in between, so many people!" I liked this analogy, reminded me of the sanctity of these moments of aloneness.

So here I am, Rishikesh. Sheltered between two hills, here the Ganga is the color of pure jade. Temples ring nonstop, monkeys play through the rooftops and playfully terrorize the bridges. Flowers bloom and fall. Small cows wander slowly through the lanes, mopeds zip and beep and craze. Families live their humble existence out front of their tiny houses - tending their cows, washing the clothes... The laughter and shouts of children never seems to stop. Tourists come to shop - shawls, spirituality, yoga... Shivananda Ashram sits in the center, a paragon of virtue...

For these few days, I've stayed at this sweet little ashram with Turiya. So far, nobody else is staying there, but one woman, Puja, comes daily to clean and help with the cooking. It is a simple life. We meditate four times daily in the little temple with the big picture of Jesus pouring water from his heart ("but sir, where is your bucket?"), and the little statues of Shiva and the Buddha keeping watch. Krishna resides over the open-air dining room, and Hanuman embraces Shiva out in the yard, but it is a "Christian" temple. I'm not sure what that means here, but it seems as good an excuse as any to cultivate divine love and pray for humanity. The meals and the tea at the ashram are simple and sweet. I had my first cup of "street chai" today, and was glad for the spice!

But for now, the sadhana and simplicity of the ashram is perfect for me. I am happy to help tend the garden - my main task now being to harvest the seeds of the old marigolds. Nasturtiums weave their way around the yard, some roses bloom, some sprouts of new life I am curious to see...

I'm not sure how long I'll be in this little ashram, as Turiya is traveling soon. But for now, and especially since she found that little "Fairy Down" brand sleeping bag for me, I am happy :-) And it is sweetly comforting that I have a friend just literally around the corner. A gentle, if slightly shocking, introduction to this beautiful new land.

My next mission: take a bus to Dehra Dun to buy a guitar!

As always, the songs are calling me home...

I'm sending my boundless blessings...

Om Shanti ~ A

To India!!!

2007-01-09T01:08:00.000-08:00

Aloha peeps! Indeed, I'm heading off across the great sea...

It’s been a whirlwind month, since the universe said “go!” Believe me, it was quite a surprise to me, even though only this summer I was joyfully laughing with my dear friend Shiner about the possibility...

The “plan,” as it has evolved, is to fly into Delhi (at 1am!) and find my way to the train station to take the 7am train to Haridwar and onto Rishikesh, the self-proclaimed “yoga capitol of the world.” After working more immensely hard than ever this last month, I realized that I need a vacation! So I’ll take some time there to get used to being in a new culture in the most gentle way that India can offer. Spending my days (hopefully!) walking by the clean and beautiful Ganges river, breathing, being still, practicing yoga, going to satsang... And to make my landing even more graceful, I even have a friend in Rishikesh already!

I told a friend I was going to stay in Rishikesh “as long as I feel like it,” and his response was: “if I did that, I’d never leave.” So we’ll see... Already, my friend who’s already there extended his stay by two months! But my intention is to make my way downriver after a week or 2 to the mad and crazy Kumbh Mela ( www.divinerevelation.org/KumbhMela.html ). In case you haven’t heard, it’s the biggest religious festival on the planet. I’ve heard amazing things, and also have been cautioned greatly about it. But I’ve been invited to stay with some friends in Sai Maa’s ashram enclave ( www.humanityinunity.org ), so I’m thinking I’ll risk it ;-)

I could be there anywhere from a day to a week or who knows... And then the plan is to continue downriver to Varanasi to spend the remainder of my trip. I know so little about Varanasi except: it looks beautiful, it’s an epicenter for studying and hearing incredible music, I have another friend (Indriaaaahhhh Maa!) who I will likely be sharing an apartment with there, it’s the city of Shiva (Kashi!), and it’s supposedly the best place on the planet to celebrate Shivaratri (Feb 16th - don’t miss it!). Om Namah Shivaya!

So that’s the flow of it. Following the Ganges the whole way – Ganga Ma! Blessed river. And each stop on my journey offers me friends to meet up with... ...and new friends sure to meet! I feel so blessed, going on this journey. What’s more funny is that I never even wanted to go till now. So it must be time.

I’m loving you all dearly, and am so thankful to fill my heart with this gratitude and love for you as I leap off across the vast ocean. I am certain to bring you with me, and rest assured I will bring a piece of India back to you...

My hugest love, and infinite blessings...

Om Shanti ~ A

p.s.
I seem to have a tradition of completing musical projects just before leaving town. Well, this one’s not complete, but my part is: Tribal Electra is in the final mixing phases of our first EP, due out by spring. In lieu of any new recordings to leave you with, I’ve posted an old piece from the vaults on my website. Affectionately dubbed “Playtime,” it’s an invocation to Sarasvati... www.arianasaraha.com/music.html

p.p.s.
You may have received an invitation to join my google list. This is the only way I’ll be able to keep you updated on my travels (if I can find time to write!). Otherwise, your address is locked up on my home computer. If you didn’t get the email, or forgot to respond, welcome to go to groups.google.com/group/arianas-list and sign up. (The group is configured for maximum privacy, and you will only receive letters from me, not responses from the group) ...I once dreamt that the home I felt most comfortable in had wide open windows to the world. In this way, I invite you to read my stories...

p.p.p.s.
You might enjoy checking out my current design portfolio - www.arianasaraha.com/citmatrix/web.html I’ve been a busy-bee these last few months, and have designed at least 8 new websites in this time, as well as completing several others! In addition, I greatly appreciate and believe in each person I’ve designed for – it’s been an amazing honor! - so please patronize as many of these businesses and artists as possible!

p.p.p.p.s.
Sooo.... It appears I’ve got quite a few gigs lined up when I get back, so ignore all rumours that I’ll be gone to the Motherland forever :-) Please, come chant kirtan with us Feb 23rd, and then come see Tribal Electra in Ft Collins Feb 24th. And lots more events planned for the spring! Please see my website for details...

:::

...:: http://www.arianasaraha.com ::...

Adopt the pace of nature, her secret is patience.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

:::

:: Winter Solstice ::

2006-11-18T15:38:00.000-08:00

{Please click on photo to view or print the whole flyer}

Practicing Perfection

2006-10-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

My current practice is to look at all my thoughts and see if they're coming from the standpoint of "all is good, pure and right," or "what is wrong?" I have witnessed the latter so much lately that I realize I am like the line in my friend Shiner's song, "we find so much trouble in this world...we gotta stop looking for trouble in this world." I find my thoughts spiraling in patterns of judging myself, of fearing my place in the world... But thanks to meditation practices (and pranayama and yoga), my mind is revealing itself, and these deep waves of let-go, of acceptance, and self-compassion come over me. So my project is to see the inherent perfection in myself and the world. And to give thanks for the many blessings!

Affirmations of purity

2006-10-05T12:21:00.001-07:00

I believe in my inherent beauty and perfection.
I am a vessel for the Mother's perfect grace.
I am abundant, wholly loved, sacred and whole.
I receive her blessings with gratitude, humbleness and love.
I am a peaceful reminder of the pure harmony,
the perfect beauty inherent in all things.
I am a mystery of all possibility.
I am Peace. Om Shanti

Prayer to the Mother

2006-10-05T12:10:00.000-07:00

Oh Great Mother of the Universe
Om Maha Jagadambe
Give me the strength, wisdom and courage
to follow your path ever more closely
Free from distraction, sickness, and egotism
Ever in your service.
Aho, it is so.

In response...

2006-09-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

In response to the statement, "the answers are in the living..." in the post entitled "Healing Crisis," a woman asked if in times of trouble I thought the answers ever came from somewhere other than the living. In response, I answered...

Certainly, while sometimes answers seem to come simply by living the questions in my everyday life, sometimes they are found thru meditative and/or shamanistic states that are like time-out-of-time, where wisdom comes from a deep place inside, or perhaps from the heart of creation...

And sometimes I find answers by simply walking on the earth, in her wild places, and letting her unruly perfection repattern me and reflect simple peace and natural wisdom...

Mother of the World...

2006-07-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

{submitted to the Yoga Workshop for publication: www.YogaWorkshop.com }

...
Mother of the World, Mother of all Creation…

Jai Jagadambe Ma Durga! To you I sing infinite praises. In my seeking, alone and afraid, a lost child of God, you came to me, enfolding me in your embrace. That I could be accepted, fully loved – a miracle! That all my faults could be absolved – pure grace!

Jagadambe is said to be the "mother of the world." Some say the mother of the universe. Others say mother of humanity. Regardless, her role is that she embraces all, welcomes all into her infinite arms. Loving her children, she wishes pure happiness for them. To this end, she devours our suffering. Just as the Earth Mother devours and transforms our waste into new life – new trees, spring flowers, baby birds… - she devours and transforms our suffering into a life of happiness, joy, and peace. I call this process "Grace."

How does one conceptualize the immensity of this Grace? Some may have been blessed with the miracle of an earthly mother who held this same role – who held you when you cried, tended your wounds, and loved you when you failed. But others, how do we open to even the possibility of being loved in this way?

I began to receive this Grace when I began chanting her name, her many names - for all aspects of the Divine Mother are part of her whole. Om Mata, Om Kali Ma, Durga Devi Namo Namaha. Om Shri Matre Namaha. Jai Ganga Ma. Om Aym Sarasvati Namaha… I had no conscious intention, such as "save me, make me whole, love me, lend me your strength!..." But chanting simply evoked the deep longing of these unconscious emotions anyways. And in the residual silence, I could feel her answering embrace. Tears would pour forth, cleansing me of my doubt and shame, filling me with a sense of belonging and wholeness. I didn't even know for what I was seeking, but she knew exactly what I needed.

Sometimes, in her presence now, I feel like a little child again, finally in the arms of her mother. As this divine child, I allow myself to play, to explore the world, to make mistakes, and to believe in my dreams. Other times, I feel so full that I become her, and can extend that same Grace, that same infinite mercy, to those around me, my community, humanity. I have become more forgiving, more compassionate, and more able to give. Like the earth that sustains all, I feel the weight of all her inhabitants, and I love them all equally. For we all are divine children, innocent and pure.

I continue to chant. This is my practice. I listen inside to what/who wants to be called – sometimes the playfulness of Radha/Krishna, or the stillness of Shiva… But always I return to the Great Mother, Jagadambe. I chant to her when I need personal healing. I call her name when I feel the pain of the Earth. I sing her praise as a prayer for wholeness and peace for all humanity. She is a great healer in this time, and we are blessed to receive this ancient wisdom teaching of chanting her name. For truly, when we call, she answers.

"In the arms of the Mother, you are always whole"

...
Ariana can be found chanting endlessly. You are welcome to visit her website to learn about kirtans, workshops, and performances in your area: www.ArianaSaraha.com

Journey to Rainbow...

2006-06-27T04:49:00.001-07:00

{Published in the Colorado Daily as a guest editorial on June 28, 2006}

This letter is an attempt at a counterpoint to the many negative articles and editorials that have been in the papers about the National Rainbow Gathering – held this year on National Forest Land near to Steamboat Springs. I'm leaving this morning for my "pilgrimage" to what I consider this holy gathering, so you'll have to pardon that this letter was written in haste.

Firstly, simply as a response to the idea that Rainbow is "just a bunch of dirty _______ (insert word here: hippies, hobos, partiers…) It is true, there are many colorful folks to be found at Rainbow, many of whom have been seen on the streets of Boulder – toting their guitars, shopping in our stores, hanging out in parks, and yes, even panhandling. There are many who find solace at Rainbow that don't find it within the normal confines of American society. In this way, Rainbow is not to be judged for its degenerates or hobos, but rather to be commended, like an ashram or safehouse or orphanage that welcomes (and feeds, clothes, and shelters) all. In truth, the "colorful" face of Rainbow you may think you see on the streets is just one facet. At Rainbow, you will also find many community leaders, successful business owners (heard of Gaiam?), teachers, healers, world-class musicians, spiritual practitioners from all religions, and even Ram Dass.

As someone who is considered a respectable member of society – as a teacher, performer, and healer – I can say that the level of "success" and recognition I receive has come only after a long and arduous (and creative!) struggle to find my path. I can understand why many lost souls come to Rainbow – it provides a safe place to explore new options for living in the world that weren't necessarily presented to us in our upbringing. At Rainbow, one can study with healers and teachers of multitudes of modalities – movement therapies, yoga, massage, meditation, nutritional therapy, creating intentional community, cooking, gardening, permaculture… In this wilderness haven, one comes to value the simple things more – the shade of trees, clean water, a good friend. One might return to society re-inspired to create meaningful works that honor these remembered values, to learn something new, to volunteer for something they believe in.

In truth, however much fuss is made about it, it is simply that we love to gather in the woods, feed each other, play songs around the fire, and have an overall good time while praying for peace and treading lightly on the land. It should be noted also that so many studies have shown the power of prayer to help not only the person praying, but also that which is being prayed for. On July 4th, we celebrate "Interdependence Day." There are no fireworks, no honoring of bombs and wars won. Instead, the day is dedicated towards prayer for world peace. We hold silent vigil for peace until "Rainbow noon" (generally closer to 1pm), at which point we circle in prayer, holding hands to symbolize our connectedness, and sing an "Aum" until the children's parade comes in – celebratory in their many colors, singing a song such as "Give Peace a Chance," and planting the peace pole in the center of the circle. The rest of the day is given over to celebration, i.e., drumming and dancing, singing, laughing, feeding each other…

In this way, by gathering, praying, and especially by celebrating, we are creating the new world we want to live in. It is the sense of celebration that renews us, strengthens us, and inspires us to keep working towards what we believe. So yes, while it is an incredible learning experience, nourishing for the pavement-worn soul, and a grand honoring of the sacredness of all life, it is also a great party. Welcome to come join us!

Why I perform, take 2...

2006-06-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

All the Love that I am pours out in my voice. Let it be a river, washing forth, washing me clean as it passes through, blessing me, blessing you...

Healing crisis...

2006-06-04T13:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I suppose it's something we all go through at least once, eh? I don't know how in-depth I want to go (losing my voice for months this winter, chronic fatigue, extraordinarily low immunity...), but suffice to say, there are many things I'm grateful for in this time. One is simply living in such a holistically rich community, with many healers to turn to. Another is being born to the parents I have - both of whom encourage me to live connected with the earth, trusting my intuition, and guided by higher wisdom and the grace of the divine. And I am immensely grateful for the places I can turn for sanctuary - my little garden, sweet and gentle friends, la musica, these beautiful Boulder hills, the many kirtans and sacred singing circles, ceremony... I'm also grateful to be supported (by grace!) by my freelance works - web design, teaching voice, singing... - so that I don't have to hold a "normal" job. As impulsively driven as I am, it's hard to allow myself time (a day, a week, an hour) to rest and heal and do nothing - but it's what I need, and am grateful to have the opportunity.

I'm reluctant to go into what kinds of crises I'm going through, because at this point there are more questions than answers. For now, I am actively living the questions, inquiring by both looking inside to my intuition, and reaching outward for guidance when it feels right. I trust that I will come through, stronger than ever. I come from strong genes, and believe it's simply time for me to learn how to best honor them. Who am I, in this crazy body? How do I best tend to the garden of my being so that my flowers flourish?

The answers are in the living...

Whitewashed...

2006-05-27T23:28:00.000-07:00

I seem to have this strange affliction. I love color - will plant rainbows in the ground, make salads that look like a flower garden, drink in the beauty of the colorful women all around me, sing songs of every color of the soul...

...but I can't seem to wear anything but white, or shades nearby. Something won't let me. Drawn to pink, or red, or green, I try them on, but immediately take it off. Garish, I feel painted false. Even my old standards of black and brown - something just won't let me. So I put on the color of the breath and just let go...

"Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free..."

Why I perform...

2006-05-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

From time immemorable, dancers, singers, priests have been "performing" their devotions for God. By offering ourselves to the highest art, we allow something greater than us to come through, and we give gratitude for this little taste of God, of the mystical, that we are able to taste in our experience. I think of the Devadasis (bharata natyam dancers - "servants of the divine") performing their duties, their dances, daily in the temple, invoking the transcendent through movements so intricate that simply the devotion to learn them is an immense offering to God. I think of the ancient Rishis, opening themselves to the divine cosmic source and discovering the ancient syllables of creation. I think of the ancient musicians who practiced the art of listening, devoting their entire lives to the inquiry into melody (raga) or tal (rhythm), how these relate to the relentless and ever-changing currents of all life, and offering these same ragas and tals back to the divine. I think of Mirabai, singing the river of her heart in absolute desire to merge with her beloved, the divine Krishna (one face of the Absolute). At the heart of all true performance is the desire to merge with God, and then to share what we receive. How simple. What a blessing.

My own story is such...
I knew not who I was, or what I was here for. I only knew that I didn't feel I had a place in this culture, and yet I felt there must be something more. Years of spiritual seeking culminated in a deep longing, a passionate desire to experience the divine, the mystical. That longing, that desire, triggered an immense opening over a few year's time - first as a simple "kundalini" experience, then as an explosion of light radiating from my heart, then as the experience of being "danced" from the inside out, and finally, as a voice strong and pure that came from nowhere... now here.

For me, the song, the dance, is a tremendous blessing, a gift from God, the greatest healing gift I have ever received. By desiring God so fully, that Light began streaming from within me, filling me with lifeforce and creative energy. I had been cut off from this connection for my whole life, hiding in the shadows of my own shyness, fear and unknowing. And suddenly, by Grace, I was given the gift of Life, of Wholeness, of connection to Source.

It is many years later now, and I continue to follow the creative path, continue to sing and dance. I brought up this subject - why perform? - because recently the issue has been raised on the subject of "performing" kirtan. But I've discovered that whether I'm singing kirtan or "performing," there is no difference. In either context, I am simply singing my heart out. I'm not in it for the recognition or prestige, but simply to offer the gift of beauty that has been my deepest healing. Like any of us singing kirtan, I am simply here to share my heartsong longing for God, my Love, and my deep Gratitude for the many blessings I receive. For me, both kirtan and performance are ceremonies of re-connection, and an invitation to take part in the dance of life. So long as we are true to our own connection and/or longing for the divine, so long as true inquiry and innocence guides what we do, we can't go wrong. And so we sing, we play the ancient melodies and rhythms, we dance for the earth and for the heavens. And in the beauty of creation we play our part.

Making love...

2006-05-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

I'm mad with love! It's one of those days I'm so in love with life that I just want to make love with everyone. The springtime Shakti is rising, and I feel myself whirling in the realm of passion. Every beautiful eyelash, texture of skin, coil or knot of hair... Every breath of wind caresses my skin, the sweet fragrant springtime air... I want to touch the textures of green, kneel on the damp, sweet earth and smell her, throw flower petals on every beautiful soul I pass by... Man, woman, curve of stone - I want to touch you!

Perhaps this is the tantric way, dedicating my every passionate breath to love of All, and especially to the creative-bliss-current flowing through all life. Jai Shakti! Jai Sarasvati!

Earth mother, YOU are my lover.

Why I tend to the earth...

2006-05-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

I've been on shamanic journeys with this amazing Peruvian woman several times. Each time, the earth speaks to me. She tells me to tend to her, to grow gardens, to make love, to sing, to share with the children, to honor her blessed fertility.

Once, the first time, I was swallowed by her, my body becoming compost for new life, my very breath on the edge of extinction. In this blessed death, I learned to give thanks for life. To hold gratitude for this tremendous blessing of the sunrise, the song of birds, the hand of a friend...

And she asked me, then and there, to make an agreement - the Great Agreement. That is to honor her - the body of all life, the Great Mother, by offering my hands back to her. In praise, in song, in loving, and in tending the earth, I offer my immense gratitude for this unbelievable gift - simply to be here, now.

Om Shanti ~ A

Digging, part II

2006-05-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

The rains came in yesterday. I hesitated too long in going into the garden to dig up the little patch I was going to put vegitables in. Socked in by the rains, wishing I'd have gotten those seeds in the ground to be nurtured by the dark, cool moistness...

Today, cool and damp again, but I've gotta get those seeds in! It's after May 1st, and just after the new moon - I'm already late!

So between rainshowers I go out. Funny gardening gloves help keep my hands warm. Diggin' with the shovel, pulling up deep roots of some noxious groundcover weed that some people think is pretty. Hacking through rain-packed dirt, chopping it up. Then raking with the real rake - not the wimpy one we move leaves with, but the strong one that sifts the soil and finds the leftover roots.

Smoothing the soil, my gorgeous brown bed is ready...

...for beets, radicchio, kale, spinach, mustard greens, carrots, lambsquarters, lettuce, marigolds, and a border of zinnias - old seeds, just what I happen to have on hand. Let's see if they take!

I'm still waiting for the lavendar and nasturtiums I planted in those pots...

AnandaRani

2006-05-01T12:43:00.000-07:00

Roughly, "Bliss Princess" in Sanskrit...

Thanks to Laurissa ( http://dasilaseuphorium.blogspot.com ) for the translation, and the blessing.

Digging in the dirt...

2006-04-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

Tending the sweet earth... ...can you smell her?! Bright pink blossoms blanket my doorstep, float in through the skylights. Sunshine dancing in and out of clouds...

Wild weeds grow strikingly green through last years leaves still buried underneath. Digging under, clearing the dead away before Mother Earth has a chance to swallow them. Fresh, damp earth. Clean, vulnerable. A blank slate for the new plants coming through. I leave some "weeds" - the useful ones: dandelions, pennyroyal, malva, yarrow...

My salad seemed a bit sparse today, so I wandered into the yard and helped myself to some of the bitter greens. Pungent, and alive, I feel a bit stronger having eaten from the wild...

Journey into the light...

2006-04-24T21:58:00.000-07:00

Om Bhur Bhuva Svaha
Tat Savitur Varenyam
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi
Dhiyo yo nah Prachodayat

...
In all three worlds,
Body... Shakti... Mind

May that irresistable source of all light
Illuminate the soul of my heart
May I meditate upon that radiance,
and may it guide me on my journey home...

...to the Divine Heart of all Light

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti