Wednesday, February 04, 2009


[Disclaimer 1: because I was raised non-religiously, and have spent my past 20 years on the mystic path, I use the word "God" unabashedly and often – when you see me use this word, you can translate it as "All that Is." It's that simple. Every thing, or thought of a thing, is God – it's not separate from you and me, from the everyday, or from anything. And it's accessible, but it can't really be described.... "All that is." And yes, I know that if you read my words below with this definition, you will uncover paradoxes and inconsistencies in my speech. Alas, to be traveling the road back to God while being ever-consumed in that same God-ness...]

[Disclaimer 2: By "eye-gazing," I don't mean the same thing as "eye-contact" - since reading this note, a few friends have been surprised by the depth of eye contact I share while communicating.  "Eye-gazing," however, to me is the communication itself - it's when we sit with together wordlessly for long spans with nothing but the sharing of the eyes...]

I have a confession to make. I have a deep fear of eye-gazing. Methinks I harbour a long-seated insecurity somewhere deep inside, and if I hold gaze too long, I find myself terrified of what may be revealed. Perhaps it will reveal my achingly radiant heart, or will unbind my sensual self, or my wildly unbridled joy… Why are these things so terrifying to unleash? I am fearless in surrendering to God – take me as I am, every drop of ecstatic beauty and tear-filled pain returns to your waiting arms and I am healed, I am whole. But to surrender to another human??! This is what terrifies me. To be seen, naked, unveiled. No, let me hide away in my fortress of pride and nobility. I mustn't let you see the soft, tender cave of my vulnerable human-being. God is forgiving, gracious – but you, you might judge me, turn away or denigrate this preciousness inside me. So I hide away, because this is what happened before, and why I shut my eyes before I go too deep… For I have learned not to trust human beings.

When I was a child, I used to gaze relentlessly – so much so that the other kids would tease me by saying, "stop staring!" I learned to hide away. Haha, I used to be so unashamed that I'd wear no underwear under my skirt – until I also got teased for that when they noticed on the swingset… Sigh, kids can be brutal. And I learned to hide in shame – "something must be wrong with me," I thought, "I should fix it."

And so for years I tried to live from the outside-in, rather than from the inside-out. Instead of living from my creative lifeforce, I put on layers upon layers of acculturation. I never quite made it though, never quite figured it out. It got harder and harder as the teasing never stopped – always something to pick on, and usually it was my emotionality, my depth of feeling - my inner life - that was maligned. I got crustier and crustier as the years wore on, my shell thicker and my trust thinner.

Even when I "woke up" in later life, still the seed of this mistrust remained. The glory of God-light hid it for a time, as I reveled in the Grace of divine beauty pouring into and out of me. But in the dark shadows still lurked this demon…

So now, with awareness, I must forge a new path into the awakening heart. I know it not really matters if I trust humans or not, but if I really trust God. Because it is God-within that I have learned to hide, that I was taught was shameful and too bright, too emotional, too messy – yet it is all the abundant joy of the universe, it is the deepest well of truth, it is primal passion and the clearest vision. And now I wish to crack open this shell and let the light of the divine shine forth. And it's the gloriously dark, hidden, "shameful" places which are the richest treasure troves of this light.

So I am diving into the darkness of my soul, in this time of winter's cave, to recover the lost bits I don't even yet remember...

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